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    BREAKING: Bain Capital Acquires Romney Campaign

    Romney for President, Inc., today announced that Bain Capital, LLC, a leading global private investment firm, has completed its purchase of the organization. The total value of the transaction is $53 million.

    Romney for President is a leading Boston-based provider of political strategy, public relations, and fundraising services. It was founded in 2011 by Mitt Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts and an original founder of Bain Capital, with the goal of electing Romney President of the United States.

    "The completion of the sale is a significant milestone in our campaign's history," said Stuart Stevens, Romney for President's Chief Campaign Strategist. "We enter this new phase of our growth and development with a new name – Mittata Intelligence – and a renewed commitment to excellence, innovation, and federal budget reduction."

    "Mittata Intelligence is the preeminent supplier of conservative policy prescriptions across a broad array of fields, including economics, foreign policy, and cultural and religious affairs," said Steve Zide, a Managing Director at Bain Capital. "We believe that Republican politics is a growth market, and we are enthusiastic about the company's long–term potential."

    Bain Capital has a strong track record of purchasing troubled companies and partnering with the management team and employees to build significant value. Romney for President has suffered from a series of strategic errors and operational flaws that has caused its value to plummet in recent weeks. The company is also reported to be $11 million in debt as a result of over-expansion and mismanagement.

    According to the terms of the agreement, founder Mitt Romney will step down as Candidate in Chief, although he will retain an informal advisory role with the company. The company's international headquarters will be transferred from Boston to George Town, Grand Cayman, in order to reduce costs and regulatory overhead.

    "Mitt has been with the company since its inception, and it was not easy to let him go," said Stevens. "But this campaign is not afraid to make tough choices."

    ABB Robotics, a Swiss robots manufacturer, is a co-investor in the acquisition deal. The Zurich-based company will provide technology to automate a number of the company's operations, including photo opportunities, public speeches, comedic entertainment, and handshakes.

    MITT-BOT 5000

    "Human error is the greatest limitation in the field of politics," said ABB CEO Joseph Hogan. "With robotic candidates, we can eliminate embarrassing gaffs and inept jokes at a lower cost point than human talent. While robots cannot yet achieve the full range of human emotion, we believe that the public will be unable to tell the difference between Mittata's former candidate and our cutting edge prototype, the MITT-BOT 5000."

    Governor Mitt Romney could not be reached for comment. A spokesperson said that he was driving to Canada for a family vacation.

    Michael Wolraich is the author of Blowing Smoke: Why the Right Keeps Serving Up Whack-Job Fantasies about the Plot to Euthanize Grandma, Outlaw Christmas, and Turn Junior into a Raging Homosexual


    Oh Dear God, what laughter!

    Kahuna Hakuna Mittata.

    Excellent.  My question is what is being done with Ryan.  Could he have been the one to originally reach out to Bain in the hopes to save the campaign?

    Ryan will be rendered down and parceled out for spare parts.


    Ha! Nice one!!

    A new Priorities USA Commercial featured several laid off Mitt Romney campaign workers.

    "At first it seemed a bright a prosperous business," recalled one laid off strategist.  "We defeated several kooks and flakes in the primary and the economy failed to turn around as we hit the general election, which is right where we wanted Obama.  But then Mitt-Bott started sputtering about Libya and poor people and all the way, the executives were getting these huge paydays as our polls went into freefall.  They gutted the campaign."

    Bain again!  Look Mitt inc has numerous ties and interlinks with the republican party Inc. which cannot be separated and which has several hundred million in capital reserves. Bain will borrow against those millions putting the party in debt while extracting large fees and pay outs to Bain executives and stockholders. There are thousands of American workers in both Mitt, inc. and republican, inc. Bain will fire those workers and hire low wage Chinese and Indian workers to replace them. Now admittedly those chinese workers are bound to do a much better job, hard to see how its possible to do worse, but still those job losses will ripple through the economy. After extracting millions and putting Mitt inc. and Republican inc. deeply in debt Bain will run them through bankruptcy leaving America with a one party system. This isn't just bad for the economy its bad for America.

    Are you sure you got that right?

    I thought it Mittbutt?

    Oh well, if memory serves The Batman gets rid of Bain anyway!

    I heard that Bain Capital futures dropped 50 points when the news of this leaked out though. Triggering rumors of a substantial  bail out.

    Now Robme get's to bankroll all that Superpac money after the election.

    That is wicked!  You sure the Real Mitt wasn't a robot, too?  Things go wrong with robots all the time, and it could be that all he really needed was a squirt of lubricant and a tightening of a few screws. 

    Leave it to Bain to throw out the old one instead of fixing  it.


    Well done!!!


    Good one. I actually think there was an identical twin who was rolled out for this election.

    Or a changeling.

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