When it was announced that President Barack Obama and super-hunk hottie Senator-elect Scott Brown were 10th cousins, I was as amazed as anyone. They look so different, after all. And their politics are different. It’s freaking mind-blowing stuff, if you ask me.

Nonetheless, I decided to look back at my own genealogy to see if perhaps, just perhaps, I was also related to the nation’s 44th President. Like any good genealogist, I started as far back as I could go.

I quickly learned that Cain knew his wife, and she conceived and bore Enoch; and he built a city, and called the name of the city after the name of his son, Enoch. To Enoch was born Irad; and Irad was the father of Me-hu’ja-el, and Me-hu’ja-el the father of Me-thu’sha-el, and Me-thu’sha-el the father of Lamech. And Lamech took two wives; the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the other Zillah. Adah bore Jabal; he was the father of those who dwell in tents and have cattle. His brother’s name was Jubal; he was the father of all those who play the lyre and pipe.

And so on.

Mind you, this turned out to be a fairly long and arduous task. Nonetheless, my search eventually led to the New England Historic Genealogical Society. There, I learned that Obama’s great-great-great-Grandmother and my great-great-great grandmothermother, both descended from Sven K. Hussein Obama Wolfrum. He died in the year 4, somewhere in Sweden.

Thus, by my calculations, I am Barack Obama’s 48th cousin, 11 times removed.

Sure, some may look at this as a cheap ploy by myself to profit off of cousin Barry. To them, I say nothing could be further from the truth. What matters here is the vitally newsworthy importance of our family bond. Barack Obama and I share something special – the sperm of a guy who died in Year 4.

But Bill, you say, how could you be related to Barack Obama? He’s a tall, educated man of means, and you’re a short, sort of simple guy who posts pictures of his dogs at his blog and considers it high art. There’s no way. To you, I say this – if my dear cousin Barry could be related to Dick Cheney, Scott Brown and other white people like Brad Pitt, he is most certainly related to me, at least at some stage of humankind’s history. So deal with it and stop being such a hater.

Barack Obama is my cousin and I demand that the mainstream media cover this genealogical miracle with the full force of all their political divisions. This matters. This is pertinent information that affects not just me, not just cousin Barry, but all of us. After all, didn’t the media and the NEHGS cover the previous 43 white Presidents and their hyper-distant cousins?

Now is the time for the media to get ankle-deep into this bizarrely amazing and unlikely story. Why should we even have a media if they don’t cover this? And to my cuz, Barry, I hope to see you at my place for Christmas this year, so we can catch up, talk family, and maybe, just maybe, take some pictures of my dogs so I can post them on my blog.

–WKW