America faces few problems worse than where and when Barack Obama goes to church. Sure, there are environmental catastrophes to worry about, an economy that shows no interest in bouncing back, wars on God knows how many fronts and unemployment high enough to make Herbert Hoover cringe.

But this is America. And Christ matters.

With 20 percent of Americans believing that Obama is actually a Muslim, it’s time for Obama to turn that tide. He and his family must join the whitest, most conservative Christian Church as possible.

This is why I believe Obama needs to start attending Westboro Baptist Church. Because if there’s one thing you can say about Fred Phelps’ group, it’s that they certainly aren’t Muslim. Crazed, hateful theocrats? Sure. But not Muslims.

Of course, Phelps and his followers have little respect for Obama, being convinced he’s the anti-Christ, and all, but a weekly excursion to Topeka, Kansas should change that. Obama is exceedingly personable and can tithe like few others. He will quickly become a popular figure.

And while some may blanch at Westboro’s “God Hates Fags” motto, Obama should be able to fit right in, not with words but with actions. Obama still believes gays and lesbians should not be allowed to serve in the military, and he also believes that Gays & Lesbians should be able to be fired for the offense of being Gay or Lesbian. At this stage of the game, Obama fits right in with Phelps’ Phreaks.

Mostly, though, church will be a place for Obama to go think. In an impromptu poll taken by the Chronicles, we’ve discovered that 80 percent of churchgoers don’t pay a lick of attention during a mass. By attending Westboro Baptist, Obama can have at least an hour of private time where he can contemplate the nation’s ills, how LeBron James will fit with the Miami Heat, and other important issues.

By attending Westboro Baptist Church, Obama will convince those 20 percent that he is not a Muslim. Sure, he’ll lose the other 80 percent entirely, but he can worry about that later. What matters now is that he just go to a Christian church. Any Christian church. Because only then can he get Politico, NPR, CNN, and other media sources off his back.

Because only by going to a Christian church regularly can Barack Obama include himself in the vast majority of Americans who go to a Christian church because they think they’re supposed to and spend the mass thinking about football.

Because, at the very least, thinking about football in a Christian church is much more politically important than debating whether Obama is Muslim or not.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles