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    Breaking: Rapture Came & Went Three Weeks Ago - No One Noticed

    SALT LAKE CITY – The Rapture came and went three weeks ago, say researchers at Brigham Young University. The entire episode took five hours and 45 minutes, and few if any took notice.

    “Yeah, Christ was here, he looked around, played a round of golf at Pebble Beach and split,” said one researcher. “It’s a little disappointing really. We expected serious fireworks.”

    Many Christians have long believed that the Rapture would include the “vanishing” of millions of loyal Christians around the globe, leaving the rest of the world’s population to die in hellfire. The return of Jesus was supposed to usher in high times for loyal Christians as the doors of heaven would open for them.

    As it turned out, however, Jesus showed no real interest in any Christian, living or dead, and instead only took three practicing Jains with him to play golf, and then the foursome ascended to the heavens.

    “Maybe next time,” Christ was reported as saying. Christ shot a 73, sources say, as he struggled with his putting.

    Many devout Christians said they felt robbed of this significant spiritual event, and blamed liberals for the snub.

    “I am a god-fearing Catholic,” said Newt Gingrich. “If Jesus is going to judge us by the liberals amongst us, I say we just shut things down on Earth. That’ll show him.”


    Originally posted Sept. 21, 2009 at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles


    Playing a round of golf with Jains? That must have taken days, just to make sure they didn't step on an ant.

    I once gave a golf cap to the Dalai Lama - he turned all giggly on me, quite a good sport. Probably has a decent handicap as well. Always take a Buddhist over a Jain for your tourney. They know what goes around comes around. I.e. you let them cheat, they'll let you cheat.

    I'm actually pleased with Jesus' one-over-par. He's been off the circuit quite a while. Rapture or no, putting takes practice, and imagine not a lot of cameras and paparazzi following his every tic in heaven. Of course if he's going to win the Open, probably has to get a few of these guys whacked. In which case, I'd recommend a Sikh over a Buddhist - those guys know how to get things done.

    From one duffer to another.


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