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    Fact-Checking William K. Wolfrum: The Fact-Checkening

    Over the years, William K. Wolfrum has made numerous outlandish claims in blogs, on Twitter, in real life and occasionally while sleeping. Such claims demand non-partisan fact-checking to give the public the truth of the matter. That is why I, William K. Wolfrum, have taken it upon myself to fact-check some of these claims.

    Of course, some claims are somewhat nebulous in nature and can’t be conclusively proven as true or false. This is why I have created the Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter to help rank the truth: True, Mostly True, Sort of True, True-ish, True-esque, Partially Mostly True, Completely Totally Mostly Partially True, Partially Sort of True, Partially Kind Of Possibly True-ish, Meh, Partially Mostly Not True, Partially Sort of Not True, Not True-ish, Not True-esque, Undecided, Feh, Totally Kind of Not True, Completely Totally Kind of Not True, and Pants Just About Completely Engulfed in Flames While Holding a Pinocchio Doll.

    Using these simple classifications, the reader will now know which of the following claims hold are True, Mostly True, Sort of True, True-ish, True-esque, Partially Mostly True, Completely Totally Mostly Partially True, Partially Sort of True, Partially Kind Of Possibly True-ish, Meh, Partially Mostly Not True, Partially Sort of Not True, Not True-ish, Not True-esque, Undecided, Feh, Totally Kind of Not True, Completely Totally Kind of Not True, and Pants Just About Completely Engulfed in Flames While Holding a Pinocchio Doll.

    Let us begin.

    Claim: God “Bought His Mom A House” after signing a 4-year contract with Democrats.

    Humanity has long debated the existence of God. With no ability to completely verify if God exists, there is no ability to know whether God, in fact, has a mother, and if God bought his mother a house.

    Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Partially Kind of Possibly True.

    Claim: Bobby the Dog Hates Baths

    While Bobby the Dog obviously doesn’t “like” baths, it is not clear if dogs can experience a complex emotion such as “Hate.”

    Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Completely Totally Mostly Partially True.

    Claim: “We White males have long showed we know what is best for women, as can be seen by how rarely we use the word “vag*na.”

    While it is inconclusive whether or not White males actually know what’s best for women, it is documented fact that men have asserted control over women for most of the history of civilization. It is unclear whether or not White men use the word “vagina” more than other races or genders.

    Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Partially Kind Of Possibly True-ish.

    Claim: “Everything in life is better if you add a duck.”

    Ducks eat frogs. Everything in life is worse for frogs when you introduce the presence of a duck.

    Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Completely Totally Kind of Not True.

    Claim: “Ducks eat Frogs.”

    A search of the internet stated that ducks eat frogs. Being that this information came from the internet, it is impossible to judge its veracity.

    Wolfrum Truth-O-Meter: Feh.

    That’s all for this week’s Fact-Checkening. This will be a continuing feature on this blog. However, due to the complexities of the word “Truth,” and the fact that saying something is “True” or “False” tends to upset people, it will instead be a “Reality Check.”

    The categories for the upcoming “Reality-Checkening” series will include: Reality, Mostly Reality, Sort of Reality, Reality-ish, Reality-esque, Partially Mostly Reality, Completely Totally Mostly Partially Reality, Partially Sort of Reality, Partially Kind Of Possibly Reality-ish, Meh, Partially Mostly Not Reality, Partially Sort of Not Reality, Not Reality-ish, Not Reality-esque, Undecided, Feh, Totally Kind of Not Reality, Completely Totally Kind of Not Reality, and Pants Unrealistically Just About Completely Engulfed in Flames While Holding a Pinocchio Doll.

    –WKW

    Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

    Comments

    I rate this blog "hemi-semi-demi-true."


    That was delicious.  I was so enthralled with the various, hilarious levels of truthiness, I almost forgot to click on the "reality check" link.  Oh, that Clinton.  He slew those Republicans and did it with the Truth!  The Whole Truth!  And nothing but the Truth!


    The Bloomberg "Reality Check" that Wolfrum cites is impressive. By contrast, AP totally misses the mark with its ridiculously tendentious "Factcheck:"

    http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/09/06/2987171/fact-check-clinton-claims-...


    Ducks do eat frogs. True. They also eat slugs. True. Ew. Ducks are gross. True. But, everything is better when you add ducks. True. Here's some of ours. True. Rouens. True.


    Dogs like rolling in duck shit. People like petting dogs. And scientists just discovered that people are using Junk DNA for activities that aren't junk. No wonder they're getting sick and fat on corn syrup and voting for knuckle dragging idiots. They're inhering frog behavior, wallowing in muck and not only eating junk food, being consumed and directed by junk DNA. And we thought wise alien species were guiding our development. Wishful thinking.

    Species is doomed. Or prepared for blast to the stars. I think it was the Aztecs who built their empire out of a trash heap in the middle of a swamp. What could be a better analogy for human progress? Not descended from apes - from junk.

    And by the way, no, I don't like ducks in my Post Toasties. Though I guess they would have fun stomping around with their webbed feet. The frogs just get pissed off because they think the corn flakes are faded out lily pads, but they're too small and they sink. Frogs prefer Lucky Charms to Alphabits as they can't spell worth shit.


    True facks.


    Thank you, I made them up myself, as facks should be. At least the truthier ones.


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