Book of the Month

Shuts and Failures

by Michael Maiello

William K. Wolfrum's picture

GOP to introduce “Nose-Cutting-Off” bill

by William K. Wolfrum 2/3/2011 - 7:13 am   |

WASHINGTON – Having returned to prominence with a campaign dedicated to promoting job creation and cutting spending, Congressional Republicans have made repealing Health Care Reform and redefining the word “rape” their two most pressing issues since taking control of the House.

But Republicans are now focusing on more pressing issues, and are preparing to introduce the “Proboscis Removal for America” bill, which will require all Americans to immediately cut off their noses to show that they refuse to accept any type of assistance from the U.S. government.

“Barack Obama and his cohorts are un-American and believe Americans need such things as Social Security, Medicare, health care and Unemployment to survive,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner, gently sobbing. “If all Americans cut off their noses, that’ll show that Obama. It’ll really show him, alright.”

The bill does not call for members of the U.S. Congress to cut off their noses.

“We in Congress need our noses, just like we need our own government-run health care,” said Boehner. “The rest of you can do without. For America.”

Boehner rejected claims that the nose-cutting-off bill was strictly crafted to score political points.

“This is an important bill that will help America move forward and create jobs,” said Boehner, holding a 9-iron. “But seeing nose-less Americans everywhere will really show that smug Obama a thing or two, let me tell you.”

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Umm so,I think this means I am getting free plastic surgery, right? But I want to put this out there, I do not want Michael Jackson's nose thank you very much. I wonder if I can trade up to Marilyn Monroe's boobs, I would volunteer the pay the difference, or lie to my federal employees health insurance to get them to cover the procedure. And to make everyone happy, I'd surely flash them to show my displeasure with someone who is smug, but certainly I would not flash them at anyone who is a smug shade of orange.

by tmccarthy0 2/3/2011 - 9:05 am

Free plastic surgery???  The whole point of cutting off your nose is to show the world that you're a freedom loving American and not a damn Kenyan-loving socialist.  Of course, if you're planning on running for Congress and have the means and the foresight to purchase private nose replacement insurance, well that would be different.

by TJ 2/3/2011 - 9:39 am (re: tmccarthy0)

Umm can't I do this by just having an affair with someone in congress, I don't really want any responsibilities to you know fake help the country or anything. 

Signed the

Kenyan, sociaist, british, manchurian, maoist, communist, republican lite, war criminal, traitor, terrorist loving, marxist, fascist.

Wait, what?

by tmccarthy0 2/3/2011 - 6:41 pm (re: TJ)
Mr. Boner! Mr. Boner! Will this mean that we won't be able to "smell a rat" any more?
by CVille Dem 2/4/2011 - 7:29 pm

Latest Comments

more