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WASHINGTON – Having returned to prominence with a campaign dedicated to promoting job creation and cutting spending, Congressional Republicans have made repealing Health Care Reform and redefining the word “rape” their two most pressing issues since taking control of the House.
But Republicans are now focusing on more pressing issues, and are preparing to introduce the “Proboscis Removal for America” bill, which will require all Americans to immediately cut off their noses to show that they refuse to accept any type of assistance from the U.S. government.
“Barack Obama and his cohorts are un-American and believe Americans need such things as Social Security, Medicare, health care and Unemployment to survive,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner, gently sobbing. “If all Americans cut off their noses, that’ll show that Obama. It’ll really show him, alright.”
The bill does not call for members of the U.S. Congress to cut off their noses.
“We in Congress need our noses, just like we need our own government-run health care,” said Boehner. “The rest of you can do without. For America.”
Boehner rejected claims that the nose-cutting-off bill was strictly crafted to score political points.
“This is an important bill that will help America move forward and create jobs,” said Boehner, holding a 9-iron. “But seeing nose-less Americans everywhere will really show that smug Obama a thing or two, let me tell you.”
Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles