I got your culture right here, with a side order of French fries

Being an incredible success in life is something I’ve come to grips with lo these many years. And while I’d like to say that hard work and discipline have taken me to my current staggering heights, we all know that’s a load of nonsense. There is but one reason why I am the successful man I am:

I’m cultured like a son of a bitch.

Yes, my friends, I got the culture like I got the clap – lots of it and it itches like crazy. This culture has helped me easily navigate life’s problems and has made me rich beyond your wildest dreams.

Growing up in culture-rich West Covina, California – where fast-food franchises are literally stacked on top of other fast-food franchises – I was taught American culture early on. I learned that the key to America’s success was it’s culture of cheap food-like stuffs, available around every corner. This, my friends, is the culture that America has brought to the planet. This is the culture that makes America great.

Think I’m joking? Well, I currently reside in Brazil. As many of you know, Brazil is currently showcasing economic muscle like never before. Why is that? It’s because there are more and more fast-food franchises around. You see, when I first visited Brazil, there were very few fast-food joints. Brazilians were busy eating fresh foods served at small restaurants. And the economy suffered for it. Now, with Brazilians shoving Big Macs, Whoppers and other crap into their mouths, the economy is booming. Brazil is getting cultured.

Mind you, fast food is still rather new to Brazil, which explains why 99.9% of the nation is not as successful as I, someone who has been shoveling fast food into his gullet for decades. I got culture literally pouring out of me, often several times a day. Nonetheless, the culture is now here in Brazil, and Brazilians are already benefiting greatly.

So, friends, remember – your success has little to do with rugged individuality or your own hard work. It has to do with culture. And in America, culture means bad faux food at low prices. Brazil is figuring that out. Now, if we can only get a Chick-fil-A franchise down here. They share a common culture with Brazil, after all.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles