William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Jesus Christ cancels Healing Insurance for the poor after dismal 3rd-quarter projections

    JERUSALEM — Reported Messiah Jesus H. Christ has long been known for his hands-on approach to health care, especially when it came to the neediest amongst us. For many in the surrounding area, Christ’s talented hands were as close to health insurance as they could afford. But no more.

    Following disappointing third-quarter projections, Christ has announced that he will only heal those that are both pure of heart and financially stable.

    “This is not a socialist regime,” said Christ. “First and foremost, I’m a capitalist. And look at me, I’m wearing dirty robes and can’t afford a decent razor. This has become an unsustainable action.”

    Following a meeting with his followers, as well as industry lobbyists, Christ announced that he will no longer be giving humans the gift of health - unless they keep up with monthly premiums and co-pays.

    “We’ll still do good works,” said Christ, 37. “But it’s time for the blind, lepers and others to stand up and take some individual responsibility.”

    Christ said he’d still offer healing insurance for those that could afford it, and offered suggestions for how the poor could maintain health.

    “First off, they can just go to the Emergency room. That’s the law,” said Christ. “I’m not sure how that would work if you have leukemia or something, but there’s that.

    “Mainly, people need to know that the road to heaven is paved by paying your bills,” added Christ. “If you’re not willing to get off your butt, get a job and pay for your own health care, then trust me, you aren’t what we’re looking for in heaven.”

    Wall Street reacted positively to the news, as shares of Christ International rose 23 percent, with many financial experts claiming “now is the time to invest in Christ Care.”



    Last night I was listening to T.R. Reid talk about his book, The Healing of America, at the California Commonwealth Club.  The point he kept hitting on back was that although he set out to answer the question of how it is that every other industrialized democracy in the world manages to cover all of their citizens at half the cost and with better outcomes, this proved to be a very easy question to answer.  What became more interesting to him is the question of why they do it or, from the other side of the coin, why the US doesn't do it.

    The answer that he found was that every other nation in the world has decided to make this decision on a moral basis, that they felt that they simply didn't want the bar set any lower in their societies and that letting people die of preventable illness simply because they found themselves on the wrong side of a defunct system of finance can't be abided.

    But that's exactly what we do in America.  WWJD?

    But Jesus is still sticking with his socialist Bread and Fishes program. What does he have against the free market?

    Nice bit of satire, but the original one you link to is outstanding.

    I also find it enjoyable, but prefer the longer version on his personal blog page.

    Well done, WKW.

    I did what I had to do.

    You can learn more here: http://www.jesusbloggingchrist.com/

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