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News From the Future: Canada in Negotiations with Internet Virus

by Michael Wolraich 5/1/2009 - 10:17 am   |

May 1, 2029

Canadians suffered a fifteenth day without computer access as the the Canadian government negotiated with a malicious software virus for release of its nation's computers. The virus, known by its nom de guerre, Evil LOLcat, has demanded ¥10 billion, freedom for 25 quarantined viruses, and a "cheezburger."

Denied access to their favorite blogs, entertainment sites, and porn, the normally staid Canadians have reacted with unprecedented rage. There have been riots in Montreal, Toronto, Edmonton, and other megacities. The Canadian government estimates that hundreds have been killed across the country with billions of yuan in property damage. Downtown Winnipeg has reportedly been leveled, but witnesses say that it's hard to tell the difference. Meanwhile, Quebec has threatened to secede if the standoff is not immediately resolved, the fourth such threat this year. According to a recent poll, 55% of non-Quebecois Canadians want Quebec to "STFU and leave already eh," 31% don't realize that Quebec is still part of Canada, 11% "don't give a flying jeezle," and 3% don't know what a "jeezle" is.

The origins of the virus are obscure. Some analysts theorize that it was accidentally spawned in 2023 when Chinese spyware invaded the most popular LOLcat website, icanhascheezburger.com, and had its way with the web host, an event which sparked global outrage and elicited a rare public apology from the Peoples' Socialist Spyware Agency.

As Canada struggles, MyRealittee.com, the world's most popular search engine, has offered a ¥5 billion reward for the capture of virus. Bounty hackers around the globe are tracking it, but Evil LOLcat has so far eluded them and periodically broadcasts taunting messages through Canadian computers and portable devices, such as "I IZ A BAAAAD KITTY!!!!" along images of kitty porn, which have caused some Canadians to be hospitalized.

Developing...

News From the Future is a series of dagblog exclusives about events that have yet to occur. We've received the articles through a glitch in the blogosphere known as a bunghole. Previous headlines:

This is relevant to my interests:

How Canada tastes

by Nebton 5/1/2009 - 10:32 am

Too perfect. Thank you. I hesitate to ask why this is relevant to your interests.

by Michael Wolraich 5/1/2009 - 10:37 am (re: Nebton)

Like maple syrup. mmmmm.

by dijamo 5/1/2009 - 11:44 am (re: Nebton)

So you thought you could rile dagblog's Canadian fan base with accusations of future wussiness, Genghis? We don't rile so easily. Canadians take to the streets only when our hockey teams either win or lose. (Unfortunately, that happens more often now that the NHL has instituted regular-season tiebreakers. We used to so love a good tie.)

I decline to rise to your bait. Except to say we're all collectively sorry if we've said or done anything to fuel your blatant anti-Canadianism. Even if we didn't do anything, we're still sorry you feel that way.

by acanuck 5/1/2009 - 6:38 pm

That's so Canadian.

by DF 5/1/2009 - 7:27 pm (re: acanuck)

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