Cardwell: Can Moderate Republicans survive 2016?
PeraclesPlease: Campaign Thoughts, Pt. 1
Maiello: This Dumb Election
A while back, in a discussion on Journolist, a group of us left-wing journalists got together and discussed how best we could help implement Barack Obama’s plans to send roving death squads after his opposition and how to best handle the FEMA Concentration Camps where he will enslave conservatives.
“We can make a list,” offered Ezra Klein, who advises that for nearly any situation.
After the initial emotional responses, however, the discussion turned more ideological. That is when we – with advice from George Soros – came to an important realization: Obama’s Death Squads and FEMA Concentration Camps must hold strong liberal values.
My friends, roving squads of death have rarely conformed to the political correctness needed to thrive in today’s world. So often, these secret gangs have been demonized for their attitudes and mindset. But today, with a progressive in the White House, it is time to liberalize these paid assassins. And, simultaneously, it is time to ensure that our FEMA Concentration Camps are held to the highest standards.
For the Death Squads, there will be no more mocking of victims. Sure, it would be easy to mock and taunt Glenn Beck before assassinating him. But that’s not a liberal virtue. Making fun of Rush Limbaugh’s weight before double-tapping him is also not something a good liberal should undertake.
And when dragging those that oppose Obama to FEMA concentration camps, they should never drag by the hair. Also, camp detainees should not be waterboarded or tortured in any way, except for what is needed to cleanse their minds of “Unhappy Thoughts.” This liberal treatment will help them work the 22-hour days that will be required to clean up the messes they’ve made in the United States and abroad.
“Force them to change their wills so they give everything to the poor,” wrote the Washington Independent’s Spencer Ackerman on Journolist. “Then kill or enslave them, but, you know, nicely.”
Ackerman’s wisdom must not be overlooked. Sure, Obama’s Secret Roving Death Squads could go around killing his opposition willy-nilly, while hair-dragging conservatives to the nearest FEMA Concentration Camp. But that would go against everything we stand for, and all that we believe. We know that the Death Squads and Concentration Camps are a vital first step in lowering unemployment and ensuring liberty for all that aren’t killed or enslaved. And if approached with a progressive philosophy, our European, Middle Eastern and South American allies will back us every step of the way.
Comrades, our initial plans to do away with our opposition with the Health Care Reform Death Panels were scuttled by a meddling Sarah Palin. But soon, martial law shall be declared, and we must be ready, organized, and most of all, liberal.
Simply put, Barack Obama’s Secret Roving Death Squads and FEMA Concentration Camps must have strong liberal values. Because if we forfeit our values while raining death and enslavement upon our opponents, in the end, we are just no better than them.
More Reading: Soothe your hate at “William K. Wolfrum’s Angry Racist Douchebag Happy Fun Camp”