William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Obama’s Secret Death Squads and FEMA Concentration Camps must adhere to liberal values

    A while back, in a discussion on Journolist, a group of us left-wing journalists got together and discussed how best we could help implement Barack Obama’s plans to send roving death squads after his opposition and how to best handle the FEMA Concentration Camps where he will enslave conservatives.

    “We can make a list,” offered Ezra Klein, who advises that for nearly any situation.

    “We can set them on fire,” said Dave Weigel. “Fire!!!!

    After the initial emotional responses, however, the discussion turned more ideological. That is when we – with advice from George Soros – came to an important realization: Obama’s Death Squads and FEMA Concentration Camps must hold strong liberal values.

    My friends, roving squads of death have rarely conformed to the political correctness needed to thrive in today’s world. So often, these secret gangs have been demonized for their attitudes and mindset. But today, with a progressive in the White House, it is time to liberalize these paid assassins. And, simultaneously, it is time to ensure that our FEMA Concentration Camps are held to the highest standards.

    For the Death Squads, there will be no more mocking of victims. Sure, it would be easy to mock and taunt Glenn Beck before assassinating him. But that’s not a liberal virtue. Making fun of Rush Limbaugh’s weight before double-tapping him is also not something a good liberal should undertake.

    And when dragging those that oppose Obama to FEMA concentration camps, they should never drag by the hair. Also, camp detainees should not be waterboarded or tortured in any way, except for what is needed to cleanse their minds of “Unhappy Thoughts.” This liberal treatment will help them work the 22-hour days that will be required to clean up the messes they’ve made in the United States and abroad.

    Obama’s Secret Roving Death Squads and FEMA Concentration Camps must hold true to progressive wisdom. There must be a sense of helping others in these eventual killings and kidnappings.

    “Force them to change their wills so they give everything to the poor,” wrote the Washington Independent’s Spencer Ackerman on Journolist. “Then kill or enslave them, but, you know, nicely.”

    Ackerman’s wisdom must not be overlooked. Sure, Obama’s Secret Roving Death Squads could go around killing his opposition willy-nilly, while hair-dragging conservatives to the nearest FEMA Concentration Camp. But that would go against everything we stand for, and all that we believe. We know that the Death Squads and Concentration Camps are a vital first step in lowering unemployment and ensuring liberty for all that aren’t killed or enslaved. And if approached with a progressive philosophy, our European, Middle Eastern and South American allies will back us every step of the way.

    Comrades, our initial plans to do away with our opposition with the Health Care Reform Death Panels were scuttled by a meddling Sarah Palin. But soon, martial law shall be declared, and we must be ready, organized, and most of all, liberal.

    Simply put, Barack Obama’s Secret Roving Death Squads and FEMA Concentration Camps must have strong liberal values. Because if we forfeit our values while raining death and enslavement upon our opponents, in the end, we are just no better than them.


    More Reading: Soothe your hate at “William K. Wolfrum’s Angry Racist Douchebag Happy Fun Camp”


    Don't think you're not next on the FCC's list. (Oh, wait, that might be a different FCC…)


    I'm sure glad Glenn Beck isn't contributing to right wing violence or anything…

    I totally second your ideas for liberalizing the imposition of our radical left-wing agenda, Wolfie. But I have to ask: why are you (and Ezra, Barrack, George and Spencer) still accepting the far right's terminology for our plans?

    Why, for example, call them FEMA concentration camps? "Concentration" implies an unpleasant degree of overcrowding. Even those destined for torture and eventual liquidation are entitled to their own space. I suggest we instead use the word "summer." Who doesn't like summer? Pleasant weather, carefree days, the backyard swing. FEMA summer camps. I like the ring of that!

    And why roving death squads? "Roving" conjures up bands of brigands or pirates -- not the image we want -- although I've got to admit I loved Johnny Depp, at least in the first of the series. My suggested replacement: "Rambling." I see a smiling group of guitar-playing minstrels/assassins, taking time to stroll around and banter with their intended victims before cruelly executing them.

    "Death" poses the biggest problem. The word has somehow earned a very negative image, and it's hard to find a comforting euphemism. I know it's a bit clunky, but the best I can come up with is "vitality reassignment." So that would make the term "rambling vitality reassignment squads."

    By the way, "Angry Racist Douchebag Happy Fun Camp" isn't half-bad, either.

    I like your ideas. But maybe it  should be "rambling vitality reassignment teams." Because there's no "I" in team. Better conveys the Socialist agenda

    At the risk of being a spelling nazi, there's no "I' in squad, either…

    Still, I agree that "team" has more of a happy socialist sound to it!

    So it's settled. A productive day's work, comrades. All that's left is for us to gather our guns and guitars, and rendezvous at the nearest summer camp. Oooh ooh, can we build a campfire? We'll roast hot dogs and sing Kumbaya. And the Internationale, of course. Horst Wessel song? Nah, that's probably pushing it.

    There is something very wrong with you people.  If you hate america so bad LEAVE

    Done! Wolfrum is in Brazil!

    You see! All you have to do is get angry at people on the internet and the whole world changes!

    Just remember, when there are no Obama death squads or FEMA concentration camps, it will be because of you, my friend. Your angry comment, just at the right time, drove Wolfrum south of the Equator, foiled our plans, andsaved the freedom of the Republic.

    I hope you're proud, my friend. Tell everyone you meet from now on about this important achievement of yours.

    Would this be a good time to say "taut buttocks?"

    I thought so.


    I think the one thing that's been overlooked is how we should let the targets of our oppression organize. I mean, I fully support the unionization efforts of the subjects of the Obama Secret Roving Death Squads. But should we allow them to use both a secret ballot and a card drive?

    I'm making a list, I'm checking it twice... Reagan is the anti-Christ and 44 the anti-Santa.

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