William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Oklahoma law to hold men accountable for sperm "holocaust"

    OKLAHOMA CITY - A new law set to come into effect on Nov. 1, will require all men in Oklahoma to reveal personal details regarding every sperm that they murder.

    “Every year in Oklahoma, a googolplex of sperm die lonely deaths inside socks, in showers and other places,” said Oklahoma spokeswoman Sally Kern. “This holocaust of the unborn must end.”

    While the law won’t require men to give out their identities, each day they will be required to fill out a form answering these eight questions:

    1. Date of sperm death
    2. County in which murder of sperm was performed
    3. Age
    4. Marital status
    5. Race
    6. Years of education
    7. Address where sperm corpses were left
    8. Total number of sperm murdered

    The information will be gathered and then State’s Department Of Health, which will then post the collected data on a public website. Proponents of the legislation claim that women should not be concerned over their privacy since no names or “personal information” will be reported.

    Men’s groups have tried to fight back, stating that the questions to be asked and reported could easily be used to identify any member of a smaller community.

    “Now, everyone will know who masturbates and when,” said a man. “What this issue is truly about is a man’s right to control his own body as he sees fit. It’s a travesty.

    “This law is designed to frighten men away from masturbation,” he added.

    While the controversial measure will cost $281,285 to implement and $256,285 each subsequent year to maintain, Kern said the cost was unimportant in “the quest to save American babies,” and that she is pleased that the law is going to come into effect soon.

    “Do we really want to be silent witnesses to this mass slaughter of undeveloped American citizens?” said Kern. “The answer is no. Men must be held accountable for each and every sperm murdered. One day, tossing millions of innocent lives away in a tissue will be a thing of the past, God willing.”



    That's going to be an interesting Supreme Court case.

    Ok. Dude. That sock? You gotta be banned for that. No WAY you can put that sock on a family-friendly site like Doofbag.

    Good thing I don't live in OK cause I don't have any of the equipment I would need to count individual sperms and I'm sure I would get confused if they are all swimming around and stuff.   Could I get a stimulus money grant for training and the equipment?

    Where is the companion piece legislation where women report on all the unused eggs they failed to submit for fertilization each month?  

    The companion law is a law forcing women who have abortions to reveal tons of personal data to the state (including whether or not they are a state employee!) A link to the law: http://www.sos.state.ok.us/documents/Legislation/52nd/2009/1R/HB/1595.pdf

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