William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Tiger Woods has car accident - time to use Glenn Beck Logic

    When I first saw that Tiger Woods had been in a car accident, I thought, how great, he's just an idiot like one of us. After all, he was just fine, his ego likely hurt more than his body.

    But then I thought to myself - have I learned nothing from Glenn Beck? Sure, it would be easy enough to understand how a busy globe-trotter who lives primarily on Gatorade and has a body-fat percentage of .0006% could pass out. But what's the use of that?

    No, now is the time to speculate. Because if we don't, who will? And wild speculation is what makes America great; So using Beckian Logic, let me ask:

    • Police say alcohol was not a factor. Are they lying?

    • Is Tiger Woods on Drugs?

    • Is Tiger Woods cheating with actress Rachel Uchitle?

    • Does Tiger Woods hate white people?

    • Two words: Roid rage?

    • Is he now, or was he ever a member of Barack Obama's e-mail list?

    Now, let me tell you, it's hard asking those questions of such a great champion at such a difficult time in his life? But if we won't, well, then someone else will beat us to it. So rampant, unsubstantiated speculation is our best bet here. And that is Beckian logic at its best. Because the only stupid question is the ones he constantly thinks he should be "asking."

    Still, we're glad to hear Tiger's doing fine.


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