William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Tougher Americans

    When Joseph Hazelwood drunkenly plowed the Exxon Valdez into the rocks in Alaska, spilling millions of gallons of oil and obliterating millions of animals, the nation wept. Being in Alaska at that time, however, I agreed with many Alaskans that it was a blessing in disguise.

    You see, for years many Alaskans had bemoaned the lazy and selfish approach otters had taken to life. The oil spill changed that for good. Alaskans finally had what they long desired - tougher otters.

    Two decades later, the United States finds itself in the same situation as pre-Exxon Alaska - we have a population that has grown lazy and selfish, unable or unwilling to compete in mankind’s most important battle - the survival of the fittest. Slowly but surely, however, the United States has taken the steps necessary to create what it most needs - tougher citizens.

    Start with our food industry. George W. Bush made an important decision early in his Presidency - the FDA would be run by food industry lobbyists that investigated no one and allowed the few major food suppliers of the U.S. to self-police. This wise policy decision by Bush created rapid-fire outbreaks of e-coli in everything from beef to broccoli to baby carriages for all we know. Add to that the fact that large pig-farming enterprises somehow managed to create a lethal and contagious strain of swine flu, and you can see that Bush did his job in toughening up Americans.

    And yes, people died due to the tainted food and swine flu. But people also survived it, helping to toughen the average American. Soon, with bellies full of e-coli and swine flu coursing through their blood, Americans will be tougher.

    The food industry has also worked overtime to add high-fructose corn syrup to everything, as well as making it nearly impossible for the average American to eat healthily. The vast majority of Americans now eat only what the select and elite food industries allow them to eat. This has resulted in obesity and diabetic epidemics that far surpass anything this planet has ever seen. We are literally weeks away from seeing every baby in this nation born fat and with diabetes.

    And sure, people die from diabetes and obesity. But people also survive it, helping to toughen up the average American. Soon, with belies full of E-coli, obese, diabetic Americans with swine flu coursing through their veins will be tougher.

    The nation’s health care system has also provided ways to toughen Americans. Because while Barack Obama and Democrats fight to reform the health care system, they are missing a larger point. With millions of Americans staying away from doctors and dentists because of the costs, they toughen up. Soon enough, every American will be riddled with infection and disease.

    Yeah, ok, some people will die earlier from infection and illness. But some won’t. Soon, with bellies full of E-coli, obese, diabetic, diseased, infection-riddled Americans that have swine flu coursing through their veins will be tougher.

    America’s commitment to climate change has also had a desired effect. Over the years, the U.S. has not only fought against doing anything for the environment, it has actively pursued a pro-global-warming agenda. As the years progress, the rising oceans and carbon-dioxide in the air will help Americans grow stronger.

    Obviously, many will die from climate change. But some won’t. Soon, with bellies full of E-coli and swine flu coursing through their veins, diseased, obese, diabetic, infection-riddled Americans that breathe carbon dioxide through gills will be tougher.

    Finally, many Americans fretted uncontrollably when the economic crisis hit in 2008. But this has been a slope Americans have been sliding down for years, as unions have disappeared and citizens have to work harder to make less money. And it goes without saying that endless financial problems destroy marriages and cause anxiety.

    And yeah, some people will die of massive coronaries or go out and start committing crimes as a result. But some won’t. Soon, with bellies full of E-coli, obese, diabetic, infection- and swine-flu-riddled, poor, divorced, stressed-out, diseased, hard-working but poor Americans that breathe carbon dioxide through gills and often drop of heart attacks, will be tougher.

    Like the toughened otter, Americans have long needed these changes. They need this toughening. It’s evolutionary, really, and better for all in the long run. Because when this is a nation of tough, fat, diabetic, E-coli-loaded, infection-and-swine-flu-riddled, anxiously divorced, hard-working but poor, diseased Americans that breathe carbon dioxide through gills and occasionally have their hearts explode, America will once again take its deserved spot as the greatest nation on Earth.



    You make a good point. And, I've always wanted gills, since it'll make me more like HIM. (Or is that HER? I have to admit, I've never checked, nor do I even know how to check…)

    Dewd. There's no "tougher otter" link. I'm assuming they took it down, kicked your ass, and you'll be out of the blogging business for a while. But just in case you make it back, I'd like to see that toughened otter. Unless this is some sort of shorthand for the kinds of twisted sexual techniques you get up to. "Toughened otter." Jesus.

    Good story, on the otter thing. Like how it then rolls out into this blog.

    If you'd like to do that Alaska Big Money Rush & Crash thing again... and again... and again... see: Alberta. Just like Alaska except not photogenic, bad drugs, filthy work, and the part of one-eyed Buddy is played by 110,000 ex-pat Newfoundlanders.

    Tougher otters. I like it.

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