Are you the type of person that reads the last chapter first? I never, ever do that. Why ruin the ending? But to every rule, there must be an exception. At least that's what I'm telling myself today.

In the book, The American Presidency, edited by Alan Brinkley, I'm stuck in chapter 3, with Thomas Jefferson. There are just too many distractions and, well, it's not like Jefferson's story isn't going to be there when I decide to get back to it. 

But George W. Bush. Now, there's a story that's topical. So, I cheated. I read the last chapter before I got to the end of the book the old fashioned way. And here's what I learned:

Before I got to the bottom of the first page, the author called Bush the "dauphin" of a political family, signaling that reading the essay could turn out to be a lot of fun.

The author also could win the prize for the most unsurprising revelation of all time: "Little in Bush's early years suggested he had the capability or the desire to lead the nation." No way. Who would've thunk it?

In primary school, the lad was paddled at least three times. No wonder his attitude toward torture is so cavalier. 

He is the oldest of six, which did surprise me. Because he acts like the youngest. And the dumbest.

Something that did not surprise me in the least: he used to blow up frogs with firecrackers. Although in his defense, this seems to be a sort of rite of passage for boys which I will never understand.

In school, Bush was a mediocre student with little interest in any subject area. Before you start thinking that this is one of those stories where the child was bored in school because his intellect was too advanced for his peers, let me assure you that it is not.

As governor of Texas, he worked a strict 9 to 5 schedule, making sure to take two hours off at midday to exercise and eat lunch. Starting after I get back from Washington, I'm going to implement this daily routine for myself. If it got George Bush a promotion, maybe it will work for me too.

In the 2000 campaign, Bush portrayed himself as a Republican moderate, which led to his loss of the popular vote by only 539,947 votes. He would have been devastated by such a close loss had he not been installed as dear leader president by the United States Supreme Court.

On the day after the Supremes handed down probably their most damaging decision ever, Bush said, "Whether you voted for me or not, I will do my best to serve your interests and I will work to earn your respect. I was not elected to serve one party, but to serve the nation." Immediately after Bush left the stage, "Vice"-President Cheney informed him that he actually was elected to serve one party. Bush is reported to have responded, "My bad."

Early in his presidency, Bush insisted in talking about only one issue per day. Some thought this a concerted efort to tightly control the message. In reality, it was a concerted effort to control Bush's raging ADHD. Cheney threatened to cut off the President's supply of Good-n-Plenty if he lost his focus.

Highlights of the first few months of the Bush presidency include a $1.35 trillion tax cut for the wealthiest Americans that should be trickling down any time now, the development of a space missile defense system in violation of a 1972 treaty with Russia, refusal to back the Kyoto Protocol, and the expressed desire to pull peacekeeping troops out of Bosnia. These moves pissed off pretty much everybody in the world. Except the rich people living in the United States. They were doing backflips of joy.

Then came September 11, 2001, and the largest squandering of international good will since David Hasselhoff left Baywatch.

The chapter continues, but I had to stop reading when the really bad flashbacks started. War, torture, economic collapse. It's a lot to pack in to seven years, but Bush finally found something he excelled at: fucking everything up .

All I can say is thank goodness it's finally over.