When Abram turned 99, God came to him and said, “'I am God Almighty. Walk before Me and be perfect.”

Commentary: Yessir, God definitely had a man-crush on Abram.

Abram complied by falling flat on his face. Then God promised several more times to give Abram many, many offspring until Abram was about ready to tell God to shut up about the offspring already.

But then God demanded a price for his largess: circumcision.

Commentary: A kinky man-crush.

In order to be granted the land of Canaan and all those offspring, God insisted that Abram circumcise himself, his son, Ishmael, and all his male slaves. God further required that all Abram's unborn offspring and slaves be circumcised on the eighth day after birth as a “covenant” between Abram's family and Himself.

Commentary: That's one sick covenant. Couldn't they just sign something?

Overjoyed by the prospect of his favorite ass-kisser mutilating himself, God changed Abram’s name to Abraham, which means “lacking sensitivity in the penis” and promised him that his 90-year-old wife, Sarai, would soon give birth to a son.

At that, the man formerly known as Abram fell flat on his face again and laughed out loud into the dirt, explaining to God that it might be difficult for a 90-year-old woman with a history of sterility to conceive. But God insisted that she would bear a son named Isaac, which means, “high risk of birth defects.” He then changed Sarai's name to Sarah, which means “magic uterus.”

So Abraham did as God commanded and circumcised himself, his son Ishmael (who was also promised numerous offspring), and all his male slaves (who weren’t promised shit).

The Heretic's Bible is a translation of a recently discovered commentary by a notorious first century heretic, Joseph the Latriner. The commentary is presented in italics with footnotes by the translator.

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