William K. Wolfrum's picture

    GOP finds the perfect leader - the rotting corpse of Ronald Reagan

    WASHINGTON — In a shocking political maneuver bound to send shock waves through Washington, the estate of Ronald Reagan has announced that the corpse of Reagan will be throwing its hat in the ring for a full-fledged run for the GOP nomination for the 2012 U.S. Presidential election.

    “When we say ‘throwing his hat in the ring’ we mean that figuratively, of course,” said Reagan campaign manager William Casey, who himself died in 1986. “No one can fit in Regan’s shoes, not even Ronnie, because of decay, but he really comes the closest.”

    With a weak field of conservative hopefuls lining up for the GOP nomination, and pundits lamenting the lack of a “true Reagan Republican,” many have come out to support the Reagan campaign.

    “You need to accept the fact that it’s a lackluster field out there,” said Reagan adviser John Sears. “We have very little doubt that a dead Ronald Reagan will literally destroy anyone the Democrats can throw at us. Ronnie vs. Hillary? Forget about it.”

    The move apparently took many Democrats by surprise, and leaders seemed unwilling to say anything bad about the man so many refer to as “St. Ronnie.”

    “Ronald Reagan was a great American,” said Sen. John Kerry. “Is America ready for a 96-year-old President that will have been dead for more than four years? We’ll have to let the voters decide.

    “And when I say ‘was a great American,’ I believe I mean ‘is a great American,’ ” added Kerry. “I’m really going to have to research this some before I comment more.”

    Some democrats have openly supported a Reagan run.

    “In a time when America is too weak to fight in a never-ending war, Reagan is a man who could lead us,” said Sen. Joe Lieberman. “I’d vote for him, or pretty much anyone my party, I mean the GOP, nominates.”

    For their part, Conservative pundits have been unequivocal in their support for the former President.

    “Honestly, he doesn’t look a day over six months dead,” said Michelle Malkin. “A man with the testosterone Reagan packed is still incredibly potent up to 10 years after his death, and that’s a scientific fact.”

    Sears pointed out that while many point to Reagan’s fight with Alzheimer’s Disease as a possible stumbling point for the campaign, he pointed out that the Reagan’s illness has now been in remission for nearly two years.

    “Indeed,” said Instapundit’s Glenn Reynolds.

    Indeed many are excited about the possibility of the U.S. re-entering a “feel-good” era of economic development.

    “Reaganomics actually makes a lot more sense with the great man being dead,” said Alan Greenspan, who, appearances aside, maintains life.

    Reagan’s biggest fan, radio entertainer Rush Limbaugh said he will devote as much time as possible between trips to the Dominican Republic to stump for Reagan.

    “This man single-handedly destroyed communism,” said Limbaugh on his radio show. “If he’s maintained any physical integrity at all - say, he still has an arm attached - this is a no-brainer. The terrorists have to be shaking in their shoes now.”

    Regardless of the early support, a long campaign likely is going to cost the Reagan campaign much more than his rivals, as refrigeration costs will likely be massive, though reports have trickled in that the Reagan campaign has already received millions of dollars in campaign donations from religious right organizations.

    “Who better to campaign for pro-life causes than a dead man,” said anti-abortion spokesperson Shelley Shannon. “He truly understands the issue on a level few can.”

    Time will tell whether this new Reagan era will explode as the previous one did, but Sears made it clear, his man has shaken off the cobwebs and maggots, and is ready for a tough campaign.

    “Oh, it’ll be hard, we understand that,” said Sears. “But look at all the supporters John McCain had, even though it’s obvious he passed away sometime during the 2008 Presidential campaign.

    “People are saying the Republican party is dead, and we want to look the American people straight in the eye and say ‘Exactly. Vote Reagan,’” added Sears.


    (Author's Note: Originally posted on March 27, 2007 at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles)_


    There is some poetic irony in resurrecting a 2-year-old blog post about the resurrection of 5-years-dead former president, but I fear that the Reagan mythology will carry on long after everyone has forgotten everything about him, so I suppose that you can recycle this one every four years or so for the rest of your natural-born life.

    lol, yeah, that's about the truth. In about five years Reagan will be viewed as a combo of Paul Bunyon/RonJeremy/Abraham Lincoln/Zeus

    This is such an excellent notion that I went back to read the 22nd amendment (the one governing presidential term-limits), looking for an escape clause. I'll need A-man's help on this one (where's he been?), but I think it's possible as long as he's not actually elected president. So, it'll have to be by proxy. Say, some chump (i.e., WKW) runs in his place with Reagan as his VP (I see nothing in the 22nd amendment against that), while promising to step down as soon as he's elected.

    Speaking of rotting corpses... "you know who" is back.

    MEGA-SHARK!!!! (TM)

    Which is who the Dems should have run against Ronnie in the first place.

    That's just silly, quinn.  I think we all know that the only candidate with the ability to defeat Ronaldus Magnus Zombie Reagan is Giant Octopus.  As you can see from this file footage, zombies make short work of sharks:

    Once the UN passes that new anti-heresy law, your ass is ours.

    Yeah, I'm shaking in my boots over here at the prospect of a non-binding resolution!  The UNGA is so scary!

    Dude. Did you even watch to the end of the fight? Even that lil PUNY-SHARK kicked your zombie's ass. Or rather... DISARMED him! Hello? Watcha gonna do, slap MEGA-SHARK to death with your empty sleeve! Ha Ha! Laughter a'plenty at my house, the house of a believer in MEGA-SHARKS' greatness! And tiny tears over at DF's, where his big tough zombie friend turned out to be more fashion plate than UFC tough guy. Ha ha! LOL plurals.

    Ha!  Shows what you know about zombies.  By the time that shark got lick one in he was already well on his way to zombiehood.  Sure, you're sitting around with your pro-shark buddies, cracking open a few victory brews when all of the sudden the zombies have a shark on their team.  See, all this hubris leads to complacency and pretty soon you can't even tell whether you're winning or losing.

    The moral here is clear: Never send a Mega-Shark to do the job of a Giant Octopus.

    Dude. That zombie bit a REGULAR shark. MEGA-SHARK cannot be bitten. Hell, you can't even gum him. He's even slobber-repellent.

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