Unless you’ve been living under an analog rock, you know Apple released the biggest surprise everyone knew about: the iPad.  Dubbed “The Jesus Machine” (http://www.buzznews.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=102...) by some industry analysts (analysts whose hyperbole machine is broken), this product is supposed to resurrect the dying print media.  Apparently, there were these things called “newspapers” and "magazines" that according to my research on Wikipedia consisted of actual paper and are covered with day old news that was often times used as toilet paper in a pinch by our ancestors and the iPad is going to save them all by forgiving their sins as long as they accept him into their hearts.

We here at dagblog.com pride ourselves in being on the cutting edge of technology and all things that are hip – regardless of the fact as to whether or not it's true.  We take great pride in lots of things that may or may not be true, it’s kind of one of our themes.  So below is a numbered list of how the Jesus Machine is more like the Popemobile (that's right, Pope, I said it, you ride is janky).

1. Make a controller for games

I’m sure you could use the iPad to be informed and organized, but what’s the point in that?  People want to d*ck around.  By selling a moderately priced controller the iPad would not only surf the internet, read books, act as a calendar and date book, watch HD YouTube, watch movies, play music, download media, and massage your nether regions, but also be a mini-game system.

2. Make subscriptions cheap and plentiful

The hope is that instead of paying $1.25 a week for a physical newspaper the Jesus Machine will cost you over $400 and then you have to pay $.30 a week for a digital newspaper.  Hence saving the newspaper industry from their ever dwindling incomes.  If newspapers want to make money they have to bundle subscriptions with other newspapers, make it ridiculously cheap, and provide content exclusive to subscribers.  Otherwise people can just look up news on the internet and not bother with subscribing.  The internet is way better than a newspaper why would anyone waste their time?

3. Magic jack that

By using the iPad as a base, an internet based phone service is doable.  Phone receivers and a docking station would be all you would need.  Plus you could synch it to your iPhone so that you can view who has called or left a message.  Granted this device is designed to be portable, but you can set up an online vmail box so if you take the iPad with you you can still get messages and all the data your phone would have gotten had you or the iPad been home.  Verizon has their version of the phone of the future but compared to the iPad it looks like a rotary.

4.  Call MadTV and ask politely not be sued: