William K. Wolfrum's picture

    God speaks: "Beauty Pageant Contestants are going to Hell"

    HEAVEN – God, the all-powerful entity that controls all things on the planet, spoke to his people today for the first time in hundreds of years. Using the voice of actor Dennis Haysbert so that he wouldn’t shatter the eardrums and souls of ordinary humans, God was swift and to the point.

    “Beauty Pageant Contestants are all going to Hell,” said God, 46. “Did you not read what I said about pride?

    God’s surprise announcement comes only days after Miss California contestant Lauren Ashley said that gays and lesbians should be put to death.

    “If man lies with mankind as he would lie with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination,” Ashley reportedly said to Fox News. “They shall surely be put to death and their blood shall be upon them.”

    God’s comment regarding Pride has to do with Proverbs 8:13, where God says” “Pride and arrogance and the way of evil and perverted speech I hate.”

    God ended his speech with a warning about judgmental beauty queens and their families.

    “How about you people lead your lives, and then I’ll judge you,” said God, originally from Cerritos, Calif. “Oh, and if you enter your young child in a beauty pageant, you get eternal damnation. No compromises.”

    While God didn’t mention Ashley or Carrie Prejean by name, his feelings toward beauty pageant contestants seemed clear. noted God expert Sarah Palin agreed with God’s words on Fox News.

    “Beauty pageant contestants are an abomination,” said Palin. “I’ve always believed that.”


    Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles


    It just makes sense. The whole Fifth Circle is basically forced to watch beauty pageants, anyway.

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