Official Transcript

Date: June 26, 2014

Location: Moretti Grand Ballroom at The Watergate Hotel, Washington, D.C.

I’d like to welcome the new class of Managing Directors of this august financial institution.  Congratulations on your achievements and, of course, Hail Togroth the Sumerian.  It makes me laugh, it really does, to watch the struggles of everyday people, praying to false gods and believing the lies of science when we all know that the key to power is the worship of a hyper-intelligent and immortal slime mold freed from entombment in the Code of Hammurabi by the founder of this very bank, Henry Sturgis Morgan, eight decades ago today.

It was then that Henry Sturgis Morgan became the first modern disciple of Togroth as the slime mold penetrated his skin, enraptured his soul and stimulated his chakras to awaken his third eye, giving him blinding visions of the future, enabling him to build his fortune in spite of the oppressive and vile Glass-Steagall Act of 1933.

There’s no reason to boo Glass-Steagall anymore.  

Mr. Sturgis Morgan and his partner Harold Stanley knew, as Togroth opened their minds to the continuum of history, that the newly awakened power of the slime mold would eventually make its way to the height of political power, and it did, as it spread through the financial system over many years, making its way to a boutique investment bank called Stevens & Co. based in Little Rock, Arkansas, where Bill was governor and I was a radical leftist attorney, real estate speculator and commodities trader just waiting for the universe to reveal itself.

I don’t need to share the intimate details of my awakening with all of you. We each have our own stories, our own triumphs and our own pains from walking clear-eyed, in a sleeping world. We all know people, like my dear friend Vincent Foster, who just. could. not. deal.

On to happier topics.  Togroth commands you all to support my presidential candidacy in 2016.  Each of you will have a role to play and you will know what to do when the voice awakens you in the darkest night and the orders are given.  Some of you will be asked to contribute financially to my campaign, others of you to host fundraisers, bundling the wealth of your stupored, unenlightened friends. Still others of you will be asked to support my opponent, to create an air of legitimacy around the campaign.

Be strong, disciples.  If Togroth commands you to speak in favor even of Donald Trump, do not question, just obey, for Togroth is a wise and cunning slime mold.  Might he ask you to support Ted Cruz, in furtherance of our cause?  Togroth might tell you to go out in public and to say in front of friends and family: “I like Ted Cruz, I think he is a cool guy and would be a great president and I want you to come to my $10,000 a plate fundraiser for him.” Would Togroth ask you to supplicate yourself in so appalling a manner, in front of your most cherished uninitiated loved ones?  For the good of the movement, Togroth might, and you must obey.

Imagine how I felt in 2008 when Togroth told me, in the middle of the primary, “Not this time, honey.  Not for another eight years.” This even after what the all-mighty Togroth put me through in the 1990s as I screeched, “why does he disfavor me so?” to a White House portrait of Eleanor Roosevelt.

My friends, we will soon have the power again and the world’s riches will be ours. Togroth commands that a careful transcript of this speech be made, but may the dull-eyed public never see it.

May Togroth haunt your dreams this evening. Reception with open bar and passed canapes to follow.