William K. Wolfrum's picture

    The Apple iPad: A hand-held genocide machine

    While society has many ills, few threaten it as much as Apple’s release of the iPad*. This computer-esque piece of modern technology not only threatens society, but the entire planet, as well. In a world where swift communication is king, the iPad promises to take it to an new, exciting, and deadly plateau.

    For the Apple iPad is more than just a modern gadget. It is a device that irreversibly changes the direction of human interest. In attempting to make communication easier, Apple has unleashed a plague upon our houses. The end result – which is literally only moments away – is unstoppable violent anarchy for all that breathe.

    Because what this device does, in essence, is strip away the morality of the average person. No more shall things like pornography and angry imagery be left to PCs or laptops. No, now these things shall be in the soul possession of the individual, day and night, ad infinitum.

    The overt grotesqueness of the Apple iPad cannot be overstated. Whilst citizens of the planet struggle with numerous and dangerous issues, the iPad takes it all a step further. It is a hand-held genocide machine. It is all the most horrifying dreams of Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot and James Dobson combined. It is all that is wrong with both conservatism and liberalism. It is the end of human evolution.

    Only a narcissistic few will overlook the power of destruction that comes in tablet form. But those narcissists will fight until the death to insure that the iPad reaches its final, devastating climax of human destruction. These self-lovers will guarantee that Apple’s bloodless coup will soon have the rivers flowing with human, canine and rabbit blood.

    Every so often in humankind’s history a new device comes along that changes the course of human morals. The plank, the electric chair, the Susan B. Anthony dollar, the nuclear bomb. The Apple iPod is the final and ultimate manifestation of this evil trend. May God have mercy on our souls.


    *Note: The author has never physically seen or used an Apple iPad, nor did he research it in any meaningful way. But it seems expensive and probably won’t work in Brazil, anyway.

    Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles


    Man, you are absolutely nuts. This thing is no different than the computer, laptop or iPhone you post your blogs from. I can't believe you would post such garbage, get a life already. Genocide machine? Absolutely ridiculous. Why isn't the iPhone worse than the iPad? It is much more portable and does more. Smoke another one, genius.

    Thanks, Tommy! This will really help with my next post: "Tommy: Worse than Osama bin Laden, but not as Funny."

    I've heard stories of domesticated dogs surviving after losing their sense of smell because their kindly masters keep them indoors and make sure to feed them.

    I'm not quite sure what happens to us when we lose our sense of humor--but you seem to be doing ok--if survival is all you need.

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