When Republican Rep. Mike Kelly stood in front of the world and stated that the birth-control mandate was comparable to Sept.11 and the Pearl Harbor attacks, it got people’s attention. This was a true game-changing statement in many ways. Mostly, it changed how we Americans should now compare things.

Luckily for all of you, I am here with a handy chart of what comparisons can now be used for various issues. Here are some of the hot-button issues of today and what they can now be compared to:

Saving the Post Office: Two American Civil Wars and raining of frogs.

Social Security: Four Great Depressions, a heart attack and the Rwanda Genocide.

Medicaid and Medicare: The Albanian Genocide, the film “Ishtar,” and a knuckle sandwich.

Defense Cuts: The Jamestown tragedy, three World War IIs and a back waxing.

Universal Health Care: The 100-Years War (twice), the extinction of the dinosaurs and a nasty cold sore.

Abortion: The Black Death, 127 Holocausts, a punch in the ear and an untreated toothache.

Tax Hikes: 727  Holocausts, the War of 1812 and a leg cramp.

Gay Marriage: Six Apocalypses,  a kick to the groin, micro-penisism and falling down stairs.

Use these wisely, my friends. Reckless and offensive hyperbole should always be the last resort. But once you go there, go all the way, as our Republican friends have shown us.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles