MURDER, POLITICS, AND THE END OF THE JAZZ AGE
by Michael Wolraich
Order today at Barnes & Noble / Amazon / Books-A-Million / Bookshop
MURDER, POLITICS, AND THE END OF THE JAZZ AGE by Michael Wolraich Order today at Barnes & Noble / Amazon / Books-A-Million / Bookshop |
OMAHA - Noted blogger William K. Wolfrum has announced today his plans to rewrite the Holy Bible so it better conforms to his standards.
“From what I’ve been told, the Bible’s a hell of a book and has a lot of good lessons,” said Wolfrum, who has admitted to skimming through Revelations to see how it all ends. “But there’s just a lot of stuff in there that doesn’t work for me.”
Wolfrum said he is only interested in changing one major element in the Bible.
“I can’t really verify this, but I’ve heard that the Bible says masturbation is a no-no,” said Wolfrum, who was unsure over whether he was speaking of the Old Testament or New Testament, often conflating the two. “But I’m pretty sure Methuselah told Jesus that it’s a no-no, right? I just can’t have that.”
Wolfrum said his tome will be called “Billy’s Bad-Ass Bible,” and will not be as long as either the Old Testament or New Testament to better take into account chronic masturbators with short attention span.
“It’ll likely be pamplet-sized. Perhaps more like a newsletter, even,” said Wolfrum, who added that he was just as qualified as anyone to rewrite the Holy Book(s). “It really depends how many pictures I can cram into it.”
Despite many calls for his death by Christian fundamentalists, Wolfrum said he was resolute in his new project and would do it for sincere reasons, rather than for monetary gain.
“Hey, I’m trying to do something for all of humanity here,” said Wolfrum. “Because, as I think we’re all well-aware, rewriting the Bible to suit your own purposes is plainly a masturbatory issue.”
–WKW
Comments
Be sure to keep this part:
"I will sweep away everything in all your land," says the LORD. "I will sweep away both people and animals alike. Even the birds of the air and the fish in the sea will die. I will reduce the wicked to heaps of rubble, along with the rest of humanity," says the LORD. "I will crush Judah and Jerusalem with my fist and destroy every last trace of their Baal worship. I will put an end to all the idolatrous priests, so that even the memory of them will disappear. For they go up to their roofs and bow to the sun, moon, and stars. They claim to follow the LORD, but then they worship Molech, too. So now I will destroy them! And I will destroy those who used to worship me but now no longer do. They no longer ask for the LORD's guidance or seek my blessings." (Zephaniah 1:2-6 NLT)
God's vengence is in vogue nowadays.
by Larry Jankens on Tue, 10/06/2009 - 10:52am
So, I visited your links.
It's getting really hard to tell the difference between the right-wing and a parody of the right-wing. I keep hoping that it'll turn out that Coulter, Limbaugh, Hannity, Beck, etc. were all just participating in a very long version of a shaggy dog story.
by Nebton on Tue, 10/06/2009 - 11:46am
You've run headlong into Poe's Law.
by DF on Tue, 10/06/2009 - 1:54pm
FOX News' "media critic" Bernard Goldberg: The dictionary is written by some liberal person.
PS For the edification of our readers, here's the first few paragraphs of the Obama entry in Conservapedia:
by Michael Wolraich on Tue, 10/06/2009 - 1:18pm
FYI, one of your posts has made the front page of reddit. Prepare for an onslaught of traffic.
by DF on Tue, 10/06/2009 - 2:55pm
Nice work, wolfie.
by Michael Wolraich on Tue, 10/06/2009 - 4:01pm
Indeed, 2 points for the wolfman
by Larry Jankens on Tue, 10/06/2009 - 4:18pm
While you're updating: could there be more about the woman who's about to be stoned for adultery? Because the KJV has almost nothing about what she's wearing.
by Doctor Cleveland on Tue, 10/06/2009 - 3:19pm
By more, I assume you mean more pictures (with less clothing), right?
After all, it would be par for the course with the right wing.
by Nebton on Tue, 10/06/2009 - 3:26pm
Thanks, ya'll. All those hours of endlessly sticking Jesus into all my blog posts is finally paying off! ;)
by William K. Wolfrum on Tue, 10/06/2009 - 6:20pm
Hey, it worked for Paul.
by DF on Tue, 10/06/2009 - 6:30pm