WASHINGTON — In a press conference by the nation’s business leaders and a smattering of government officials, it was announced that everything bought over the past seven years has been immediately recalled, and that all personal information held by all businesses had been lost.

“If we can just get everyone to form an orderly line outside of every store they’ve purchased things from, that would just be great,” said a government official.

The recall comprises more than 53 trillion products - everything ranging from canned beets and meat to childrens' toys to electrical appliances to medicine to sports equipment.

“Basically, if you bought anything since early 2001, you’re going to need to bring it back,” said a government official. “Whatever it is, it could, and will, very likely kill you.

“We’re finding e-coli in everything from pork products to handbags,” the official added. “We didn’t even know that was possible.”

Calls to governmental regulation agencies were answered by a recording.

“Hey ya’ll, Bob and Linda aren’t in right now, but if you have a product you’d like us to regulate, you just leave a message and we’ll get back to you. Thanks and God bless.”

When returning products, customers will not receive a similar product in return, but a store credit for up to half the products value, due to devaluing of the products. Nonetheless, some government officials were optimistic about the recall.

“This truly shows the efficiency of the system, if you ask me,” said Terry Hansen of the U.S. Department of Agriculture. “You see, after only a few dozen or so deaths from e-coli and lead poisoning, we were able to announce this recall. This is good government in action, really, and gets people back to stores.”

In related news, it was announced that all businesses currently operating in the U.S. and overseas have lost all personal data from all customers. The information had been stored in a laptop, which apparently has been stolen out of the back of a pickup truck.

“We really dropped the ball on this one,” said Chief Executive Glenn Murphy of Clothing retailer Gap Inc.

Still, one anonymous government official said the problem was not as dire as it seemed.

“The fact is, your information is very likely available anyway, so this shouldn’t really affect too many people.”

–WKW

Originally posted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles