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The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 12: Abram pimps his wife

by Michael Wolraich 6/16/2009 - 10:57 am   |

When Abram turned 75, God told him to move out of his father’s house.

Commentary: I have to agree with God on this one.

To encourage him, God promised: “I will make you into a great nation. I will bless you and make you great. You shall become a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and he who curses you, I will curse. All the families of the earth will be blessed through you.”

Commentary: I think that God had a little man-crush on Abram.

Opting for blessings and greatness over arrested development, Abram left his home with his sterile wife, Sarai, and his nephew, Lot. He followed God’s directions to the land of Canaan, but there were already Canaanites living there, which is probably why they called it Canaan.  So God said well OK, you can’t live here yet but maybe later. Knowing God’s fondness for animal sacrifices, Abraham expressed his gratitude by building an altar. He continued south, built God another altar, and continued on to Egypt, where he didn’t build any more altars.

Now Sarai was pretty hot for a 65-year-old, and Abram was worried that the horny Egyptians would kill him so that they could have her for themselves. So he told Sarai to pretend to be his sister. That way the Egyptians wouldn’t have to kill Abram if they wanted to have sex with Sarai.

Commentary: The father of the Jews was a model of chivalry.

Sure enough, the Pharaoh of Egypt was into hot older women, and he invited Sarai to shack up with him in the palace. He compensated her “brother” with sheep, cattle, donkeys, male and female slaves, she-donkeys, and camels.

Commentary: The Egyptians were kinky.

Now Abram may have appreciated the she-donkeys, but God was not cool with this arrangement. Not at all. Yet instead of punishing Abram for lying and prostituting his wife, God tormented Pharaoh with severe, unspecified plagues.

Commentary: We’ll see later that tormenting Egyptians is one of God’s favorite pastimes.

Somehow, Pharaoh figured out that the plagues were happening because Sarai was really Abram’s wife, and he was very pissed off about having been plagued because of Abram’s deceit, so he sent Abram and Sarai packing. But he was nice enough to leave Abram the sheep and slaves and she-donkeys.

Commentary: Pharaoh was cool. Abram was a weenie.


The Heretic's Bible is a translation of a recently discovered commentary by a notorious first century heretic, Joseph the Latriner. The commentary is presented in italics with footnotes by the translator.

Previous: Genesis 11 - God is an asshole
Next: Genesis 13 - Three's a crowd

I'd love to get some religious commentary on this chapter (no offense to the Latriner) explaining why this doesn't make God a jerk. Even if you don't believe in a literal translation, please explain to me how the symbolism or whatever behind this chapter isn't symbolic of God being a jerk. I guess what I'm saying is that I really don't get it.

by Nebton 6/16/2009 - 11:35 am

Most interpret Abraham's actions as a failure of faith: his lack of trust in God led him into sin. But I haven't found any explanation for why Abraham gets rich and Pharoah gets plagued in consequence of this sin. Old Testament theologian, Gerhard Von Rad (great name), writes:

How did Pharaoh connect his malady with Sarah's presence in his harem? Did the malady then leave him? The narrative gives no answer to these and other more difficult questions. Apparently all details became unimportant after God's intervention. Thus the story, which began so humanly and understandably, brings us at its end terribly face with the darkness and mystery of Yahweh's power, for which no explanation is adequate.

In short: Your puny human mind is not capable of "getting it." Quit whining.

by Michael Wolraich 6/16/2009 - 12:17 pm (re: Nebton)

Don't be dissing the GvR, Genghroid. The day you walk in here having earned (yes, EARNED) your "von Genghis," maybe you'll get a little respect. Or not. (I mean, let's be serious, Orlando's around, and Aretha she ain't.)

Anywayhow. In his day (aka "the day") GvR was considered to be pretty... out there. Cool. All of that.

And... von Rad.

by quinn esq 6/17/2009 - 8:52 pm (re: Genghis)

Well technically G, was Abram really lying when he said Sarai was his sister since they were half-siblings? And where are all the hot dudes in the bible?  Geez.

 

by dijamo 6/16/2009 - 12:42 pm

The half-sister thing comes from the second time Abraham tried to pass off his wife as his sister (seeing as it worked out so peachily the first time) in Genesis 20. The second time round, God just revealed to truth to King Abimelekh, who lusted after Sarah, instead of plaguing the poor guy. The king then confronted Abraham, who was like...um...she really is my sister...sort of. Not clear if he was telling the truth, but in any case, he was either a liar or a sister-trifler.

(And like-father-like-son: Isaac later tried the same stunt with his wife and the Abimelekh dude in Genesis 26.)

by Michael Wolraich 6/16/2009 - 2:01 pm (re: dijamo)

I think there might also be an order-of-precedence thing here. If I were to introduce my wife as "an acquaintence", it would be technically true, but it would strongly suggest that she wasn't my wife. I wouldn't give him a pass even if he had married his whole-sister. (Something that I'm sure would be OK, since he's one of the "chosen" folk. God lets them get by with murder! It's so unfair.)

by Nebton 6/16/2009 - 2:05 pm (re: Genghis)

Abram definitely intended to mislead. Here's what he said to Sarai:

When the Egyptians see you, they will assume that you are my wife and kill me, allowing you to live. If you would, say that you are my sister. They will then be good to me for your sake, and through your efforts, my life will be spared.'

by Michael Wolraich 6/16/2009 - 2:13 pm (re: Nebton)

So I googled this story and found this in "The One Year Bible for Children" (ages 5-8).

Now Abram was an even richer man than before.  But Abram must have wondered many times, “Why did I lie about my wife?  What did God think about that?

Remember:  What lie did Abram tell?  How was it a half-lie and a half-truth? What did God do to Pharaoh? What did Pharaoh do to Abram?

Discover: Which of these people were hurt by Abram's lie — Abram, Sarai, Pharaoh, Pharaoh's people, Abram's servants? How?

Apply: Half a lie is still a lie. Don't think you can get by with a little lie any more than with a bigger lie. If Abram couldn't, you can’t.

Note to self:  find better source for teaching morals to kids lest they learn half-sister trifling, wife pimping half-liars are rewarded with bounties from god.

by dijamo 6/16/2009 - 2:41 pm (re: Nebton)

Wonderful, dijamo, thanks!

by Bluesplashy 6/16/2009 - 10:35 pm (re: dijamo)

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