I have the great displeasure of having to watch children’s programs while hanging with my girl when she’s baby sitting her little cousins and let me tell you, kids TV sucks! It’s like programming for narcissistic drunk people. While I do hate Dora (c’mon Swiper, kill her already), I hate Wow Wow Wubbzy the very most. Their song Mr. Cool epitomizes my dislike for them, it goes a little something like this:

Mr. Cool

You don’t have to do a fancy dance

You don’t have to wear the fancy pants

You only have to give yourself a chance

And you’ll see you are the coolest

You don’t have to talk a certain way

There’s nothing special you have to say

Just be yourself every day

And everyone will know you’re the coolest

You don’t have to be like everyone

Be yourself, you’ll be number one

And you’ll feel like the coolest

Don’t forget the golden rule

Be yourself and you’ll be cool

Just be yourself and you’ll be cool

No need to be something you’re not

Or to get what you haven’t got

Don’t tie yourself up in a knot

Because you are the coolest

They’ll never be another you

You’re the only one, this is true

You’re special in whatever you do

And you are the coolest

You are you and I am me

There’s no other way we have to be

Just look in the mirror and we can see

That we are the coolest

And because I’m on a numbering kick lately, let’s examine this song in numbered bullet points:

1) The message is that you don’t have to work to be cool, that you are cool all by yourself. Not only is this patently untrue for 99.99% of people, it sends the message that kids deserve to be cool with out any effort on their part.

2) “Be yourself and you’ll be cool” is not the golden rule. Hello? Who the hell is Wow Wow Wubbzy to change the golden rule. You can’t change the golden rule, that’s why it’s called the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you – that’s the golden rule!

3) I understand that you need to give your kid a self-esteem, but isn’t this a bit excessive? I think it’s good for kids not to think too highly of themselves, it keeps in their place. That’s one of the things that pisses me off about kids in the first place, their self-esteems are way too high. I don’t want a generation of kids thinking they are the “coolest.”

4) “You’re special in whatever you do” Wrong, Wubbzy, just wrong. If everyone was special, then what’s the point of being special? You should teach your kids that if they want to be special they have to do what everybody who is special does and work their ass off to get special results.