PeraclesPlease: Japanese Whispers: The Swift-boating of Hillary
Mr. Smith: Behold! It's Haikulodeon!
My friends, I have long withheld this information, as I’ve long believed that my sexuality is no one’s business but my own. However, after seeing recent studies and news reports, I believe that now is the perfect time to come forward and admit what so many have long believed:
Now, I know all about Gay & Lesbian pride. The LGBT community is proud of who they are, and they at least have that right. But seriously, I’m not trying to gloat here, but being a heterosexual kicks ass. If there is a right available, I have it. I’m hetero, and like the Founding Fathers wanted, I win.
Before you get angry at me for bragging, let’s just go through some simple facts that prove being a heterosexual is like winning the lottery of rights, benefits and advantages:
I got to marry the person I love; I can’t be fired from my job for being heterosexual; I never was thrown out of school for being my heterosexual self;
If I was in the military, I could openly discuss my sexuality and not be fired; Mormons will never rally together to deny me anything; The Pope will never denounce me for being heterosexual; I get every Social Security benefit available; My marriage is accepted in all 50 states; My heterosexuality would never get in the way of my ability to adopt; No one will commit violence against me, or murder me for being heterosexual. Entertainers don’t insult me or incite violence against me for being heterosexual;
Hell, there’s a lot more things my heterosexuality gets me. I didn’t even include the more than 1,000 rights and benefits bestowed upon me for being allowed to marry. Did you know that my Spouse’s flower sales count towards meeting the eligibility for Fresh Cut Flowers and Fresh Cut Greens Promotion and Information Act? Or that I have the Right to continue living on land purchased from my spouse by the National Park Service when easement is granted to my spouse? Neither did I, but I have those rights, as well.
Oh yeah, and I’ll save roughly $400,000 by being heterosexual.
Basically, being a heterosexual means I have so many more rights than gays & lesbians that there are a shitload of rights and benefits I have that I don’t even use or need. And I don’t have to march, protest or fight for any of them.
So my friends, you better recognize. I have more rights, less expenses, less chance of being beaten, less chance of being disowned by family, and tons of other benefits, rights and advantages. Because I fell in love with, and desire a person of the opposite sex. For this, my life is clearly better than anyone who is gay or lesbian.
The United States has made it clear - I am heterosexual and my life is better than the lives of gays and lesbians because of it. And, in the end, isn’t that what being American and living in the land of the free all about?