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There has been much heated discussion in these pages over whether liberals should support President Obama in the 2012 elections or embrace an independent candidate. In the absence of any credible challenger, these debates have been largely hypothetical. That is about to change.
I am happy to introduce two exciting new candidates who have emerged from the political muck like avenging swamp monsters from outer space. What they lack in experience, charisma, good judgment, and the semblance of any political agenda, they more than make up for in the intangible quality that some call panache, some call chutzpah, and some aren't quite sure what to call. I give you Kat Nove and Jeni Decker.
Nove and Decker have graciously agreed to a no-holds-barred interview at dagblog, subject to the condition that we do not discuss foreign policy, economics, or amphibians.
DAG: Thank you so much for joining us.
DECKER & NOVE: It's our pleasure. We think. But, who knows - you just might find us immensely pleasurable.
DAG: In hard-hitting political interviews like this, it's customary for journalists and politicians to take turns pleasuring each other, which brings us to the first question. Ms. Decker, we've heard you own an albino frog named after a notorious pedophile. What do you say to critics who accuse you of harboring a dangerous predator?
DECKER: I named him Humbert Humbert because he likes to float at the top of his tank with his legs spread wide open, and when I'm doing dishes, he stares at me lasciviously. That frog ain't right in the head, but he's not dangerous unless you eat him. I hear albino frogs are teeming with e-coli and high in carbs, though I have no facts to back that up.
DAG: I should hope not. Facts are un-American, socialist, and discriminate against Christians. The next question is for Ms. Nove. You have admitted to consorting with an unrepentant right-wing sex maniac who goes by the screen name "Richard the Electrician." Are you concerned that your relationship with this reprobate could become a sensitive campaign issue? What role would Richard play in your administration?
NOVE: My only concern is that I wasn't made aware he was a sex maniac. I wish someone would have informed me when I was in my forties and still cared about sex. Richard will be the official White House Cat Wrangler.
DAG: OK, we'll count that as a denial. Back to Ms. Decker. What is behind your bizarre obsession with Karl Rove, as documented in your internationally acclaimed expose, Waiting for Karl Rove? Has Mr. Rove ever filed a restraining order against you or vice-versa?
DECKER: I'm turned on by pasty white power mongers who bathe in a heady dose of hubris. I can't imagine why he'd want to file a restraining order against me. I'm a lovely person with nothing but honorable intentions toward the man. I'd sincerely like to make millions having co-written a book with his name in the title.
DAG: I see. Some might call that whitesploitation. All right, enough foreplay. It's time for penetrating questions. First off, which of you is actually running for president?
DECKER & NOVE: Consider us your future co-POTUS… no VP necessary.
DAG: Sure, that sounds mildly constitutional. Who would you include in your dream cabinet?
DECKER: I'd like Sara Silverman and all her Jewey goodness to take over where Hillary Clinton leaves off. I know I don't wanna have to deal with all those foreigners. I think Judge Judy would make a fantastic Attorney General - she doesn't suffer fools well. Secretary of Defense - no question: Christopher Walken. Secretary of Health and Human Services: Sanjay Gupta. Isn't he precious?! Secretary of Veterans' Affairs - that guy who just won Dancing with the Stars seems nice. Secretary of the Treasury - Bill Gates. Come on, that guy's doing something right. Let's see, what else: Secretary of the Interior, Secretary of Agriculture, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Secretary of Transportation… blah, blah, blah. I say, for the rest of the positions, we hold a talent contest and let the American Idol Judges decide.
NOVE: I disagree with Jeni regarding the necessity of a Vice-President because we will be Co-Presidents. Sounds to me like she's planning on being top dog once we're elected. THIS WILL NOT STAND!
Vice-President - Glenn Beck. Choosing him as our running mate guarantees we will get the nomination. Once we're elected he'll be banished to his office with his silly little chalkboard. He will be allowed out to attend funerals of Heads of State in countries where there is the likelihood of riots, coup de tats and/or ebola outbreaks.
Attorney General – John Grisham. I'm hoping this appointment will get us a meeting with Grisham's agent.
Secretary of Agriculture - Gordan Ramsey. Job one - prepare our every meal while screaming obscenities.
Secretary of Commerce - My grandmother. That woman could pinch a penny as well as storm flea markets. As Co-Presidents, it should be easy to get a Court Order to exhume her body.
Secretary of Defense – Chuck Norris. I'm fearful to elaborate.
Secretary of Education – Laura Bush. This is her punishment for staying married to someone who said, “Is our children learning?”
Secretary of Energy – Kathy Griffin. The woman is a human dynamo!
Secretary of Health and Human Services – Sanjay Gupta. I could stare at his mouth for hours while he performs neurosurgery on me.
Secretary of Homeland Security – Frank Abagnale.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development – I'm thinking Mitt (“Hit the Bottom”) Romney.
Secretary of the Interior – It is my sincere belief that this position should always be held by a person of Native American ancestry. My choice is one-quarter Choctaw – Billy Bob Thornton.
Secretary of Labor – Octomom.
Secretary of State – Sarah Silverman. I agree with Jeni. Even the Palestinians will love her tasteful comedy and diplomatic stylings.
Secretary of Transportation – Any famous NASCAR driver who hasn't hit the wall before January 20, 2013.
Secretary of the Treasury – Rupert Murdoch. We'll put him to work printing money instead of glorified toilet paper.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs – Paul Rieckhoff. I love non-basketball players who shave their heads.
DAG: I can see that the co-potus thing will work out great. Some critics have called your economic credentials into question. If an investment banker named Bill sold 6,000 shares of the corporation formerly known as Blackwater Worldwide for $250 each and used the proceeds to buy a $900,000 yacht and 25 $10 tee-shirts that said, "I'm rich, so sue me, peon", how much would he have left to oppress the masses?
DECKER: That depends. Is Bill cute? Because if he's even remotely good-looking, he's probably squandered a ton on pricey hookers and Valtrex. If he's not cute, his squandering has been focused on hair plugs and Viagra - so this information would be crucial to my calculations.
NOVE: I guess that depends on how many kilometers the yacht sails before turning back and sailing the same distance. Then I would have to factor in the hours...oh, hell. Who am I kidding? I failed algebra in college. In my defense, that had something to do with drinking and cutting class.
DAG: Name the president of Turks and Caicos? No googling.
DECKER: Salman Rushdie?
NOVE: Fred Flintstone?
DAG: What is your solution to America's slow decline into culturally bankrupt Christian despotism?
DECKER: Federally mandated atheism.
NOVE: Clone Sam Harris using a combination of stem cells, marijuana and steroids.
DAG: Last question. Have you no sense of decency, ladies? At long last, have you left no sense of decency?
DECKER: I have a smidgen, but I'm not so sure about Ms. Nove.
NOVE: I don't even have a sixth sense. What number is sense of decency? Seventh? Sixty-ninth?
DAG: OK, that's a wrap or a rap or something. Thank you very much for joining us. We wish you luck in your campaign. Please show yourselves out. We're going to take a long shower now.