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William K. Wolfrum's picture

To save America, Levi Johnston must reveal his wang

by William K. Wolfrum 10/8/2009 - 9:26 am   |

My friends, never before in my lifetime have I witnessed an America so divided. Republicans fighting Democrats. Libertarians fighting environmentalists. Whigs not fighting anyone but just happy to be mentioned.

This is why President Barack Obama comes under such criticism. He was elected under the false hope that he’d invite the economy over for a beer and have it leave a bull market behind. But Obama does not have all the answers, nor the ability to turn thing around. In fact, no man has the ability to turn this great nation around. Except one. Levi Johnston.

You see, according to our friends at Towleroad, “The adult website StraightCollegeMen.com has made an offer to Levi Johnston following his statement last week that he’d pose nude for the right price.” Basically, the site is offering Johnston $25k to masturbate, an activity that normally pays him $25k less than that.

My friends, upon seeing this news, a cosmic truth struck me - Levi Johnston’s wang could truly save this nation.

Yes, I believe that Americans of all stripes are ready to come together as one, united under the wang of Johnston. Levi’s wang will bring us altogether as one. And with each stroke of his magnificent manhood, our patriotism to build up, spurting to glorious heights and leaving us all breathless with ecstasy. Then we’ll nap.

But in all seriousness, nothing could conceivably showcase the utter stupidity of our political landscape than having a guy who less than a year ago was showcase during the RNC Convention now make a whack vid. It just brings it all together.

So, my friends, let us all get behind Levi and push him toward a total wang revelation followed by a round of self-love. Levi Johnston’s naked, videotaped wang will heal us. How is not important. Just know that Levi’s naked wang flesh will save us all. Trust me.

Update: America Wins! Levi to pose for Playgirl!


–WKW

Sorry for posting two so quickly. This one just got topical, tho ;) (See update)

by William K. Wolfrum 10/8/2009 - 9:27 am

I think I speak for most of us here at dagblog when I say you should never feel guilty for posting too many blog entries. Posting entries of inferior quality should be a guilt-inducing act (I have experience on that one), but not simply posting too many.

by Nebton 10/8/2009 - 10:11 am (re: William K. Wolfrum)

"Posting entries of inferior quality"

These words are foreign to me.

by William K. Wolfrum 10/8/2009 - 10:30 am (re: Nebton)

Wolfie, maybe you need to watch some Wow Wow Wuzby. I think your self esteem may need boosting.

by Orlando 10/8/2009 - 3:21 pm (re: William K. Wolfrum)
Wolf, follow the golden rule: be yourself and you'll be cool, and if not then f*ck it.
by Larry Jankens 10/8/2009 - 4:18 pm (re: Orlando)
How about... "Posting entries of POSTERIOR quality." That more familiar?
by quinn esq 10/8/2009 - 7:47 pm (re: William K. Wolfrum)

There's a country whose names I can think of, which start with a U and an S, and if you live there, you might want to get the fark out now. Quickly. Pronto. ASAP. If you happen to live in said country, you may want some tips on where to go. So, as a friend, I offer the following information, intended to ease your decision-making process during this stressful time. I'm sure you all know by now that Canada has universal health care. And that most of us speak English. And that we're friendly, work hard, play hard, and generally offer you the best chance to live your previous lives with minimal disruption and culture shock. One other thing you should probably know though.

If you try to enter, we'll shoot you. No, really. You're tainted. It runs too deep. You have been warned.

by quinn esq 10/8/2009 - 12:11 pm

Enter at your own risk. Bill O'Reilly on Canada:

Once a traditional religious country, Canada has become like Holland in its embrace of the secular movement...The fall of religion in Canada has corresponded to a change in public policy. Unlike Americans, Canadians have legalized gay marriage and any kind of abortion. Also, the age of consent for sex up north is just 14 years old. Can you imagine American adults being allowed to fool around with children that age? I can't. Even drug legalization is close to being a reality, as the city of Vancouver is developing a heroin give-away policy, and pot has been largely decriminalized across the country.

To Canada's credit, they raised the age of consent to 16 in 2008. (It had been set at 14 in the godfearing days of 1892.) For legal adolescent sex, secular Europe is still your best best. For instance, the age of consent is 12 in Vatican City.

by Michael Wolraich 10/8/2009 - 12:25 pm (re: quinn the eskimo)

damn, i really think i may move. And it's not even JUST the age of consent thing. The free heroin is also attractive.

by Deadman 10/8/2009 - 1:32 pm (re: Genghis)
And so it begins. Invasion of the Dagbeats.
by quinn esq 10/8/2009 - 7:46 pm (re: Deadman)
"the age of consent is 12 in Vatican City." sh-sh-sh-shocking!
by Larry Jankens 10/8/2009 - 2:15 pm (re: Genghis)

Uh, who the hell is having sex in Vatican City? The entire population is under a vow of celibacy.

(Please don't answer that if it has anything to do with 12 year olds.)

by Orlando 10/8/2009 - 3:24 pm (re: Larry Jankens)

I'm pretty sure the Swiss Guard aren't under any such vow of celibacy. A vow of sillibacy though, perhaps.

by Nebton 10/8/2009 - 3:38 pm (re: Orlando)

Okay, you're probably right. But have you seen their outfits? Those guys are definitely not getting laid.

by Orlando 10/8/2009 - 3:40 pm (re: Nebton)
--- Who the hell is having sex in Vatican City?--- THERE'S a sentence suitable for framing, under the title, "What the F*ck Was Orlando Thinking?"
by quinn esq 10/8/2009 - 7:45 pm (re: Orlando)
Playgirl is still around? Is it like the WNBA of porno mags - subsidized by it's successful parent company that markets to men? I'm surprised Palin Grrrl hasn't weighed in on this.
by Larry Jankens 10/8/2009 - 2:22 pm

I think Playgirl's market is also mostly men.

by Michael Wolraich 10/8/2009 - 2:31 pm (re: Larry Jankens)
Then why is it called Playgirl? Why not "Playdude?" Or "Stubs and Chubs?" Or "Meat Wands?"
by Larry Jankens 10/8/2009 - 2:53 pm (re: Genghis)

Because the men who read it imagine themselves as girls.

by Nebton 10/8/2009 - 3:03 pm (re: Larry Jankens)
The speed and angle of this decline... predictable, really. Stubs and chubs?
by quinn esq 10/8/2009 - 7:42 pm (re: Nebton)

I did a Google search on stubs and chubs. I encountered Chubs wubs Stubs.

by Nebton 10/8/2009 - 7:46 pm (re: quinn the eskimo)

Chubs wubs Stubs sounds like Larry's favorite TV show.

by Orlando 10/8/2009 - 8:23 pm (re: Nebton)

Did I cross the line with rhyming euphemisms and dick jokes?

by Larry Jankens 10/8/2009 - 10:02 pm (re: Orlando)
Larry, what do YOU think? Good God, what happened to the cops around this place? HEY! Orlando! Genghoid! A-man! Get this pervert outta here! Stubs and chubs. Yeah, that's regular church talk, that is. 2nd Kings 3:11-14.
by quinn esq 10/8/2009 - 10:50 pm (re: Larry Jankens)

They're busy shoving crap into the U-Haul with a map of the Trans-Canada Highway on the dash.  So am I.  See you in a few days!

by DF 10/8/2009 - 11:03 pm (re: quinn the eskimo)
You should come through the border station near here. Good guys. One's named Stubs. You can probably guess the other. (They're pretty thorough.)
by quinn esq 10/8/2009 - 11:24 pm (re: DF)
Sorry quinn, I didn't realize you were so delicate. Luckily I caught this comment before I posted my new blog entitled: Various sex acts that are illegal in most of the world. And thank goodness gracious I didn't post the follow up blog: 2 girls 1 cup and 0 regrets. If and when I offend you in the future, feel free to email me and complain.
by Larry Jankens 10/9/2009 - 12:40 am (re: quinn the eskimo)

Nah. Just sounds like Wuzby.

by Orlando 10/8/2009 - 11:35 pm (re: Larry Jankens)
If it's about obese women making ribs and smoking cigarettes, it probably is.
by Larry Jankens 10/9/2009 - 12:42 am (re: Orlando)

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