Flowerchild: A Memory for Memorial Day
Cardwell: On Duggar and O'Reilly
Maiello: Re-free Martha Stewart
My friends, never before in my lifetime have I witnessed an America so divided. Republicans fighting Democrats. Libertarians fighting environmentalists. Whigs not fighting anyone but just happy to be mentioned.
This is why President Barack Obama comes under such criticism. He was elected under the false hope that he’d invite the economy over for a beer and have it leave a bull market behind. But Obama does not have all the answers, nor the ability to turn thing around. In fact, no man has the ability to turn this great nation around. Except one. Levi Johnston.
You see, according to our friends at Towleroad, “The adult website StraightCollegeMen.com has made an offer to Levi Johnston following his statement last week that he’d pose nude for the right price.” Basically, the site is offering Johnston $25k to masturbate, an activity that normally pays him $25k less than that.
My friends, upon seeing this news, a cosmic truth struck me - Levi Johnston’s wang could truly save this nation.
Yes, I believe that Americans of all stripes are ready to come together as one, united under the wang of Johnston. Levi’s wang will bring us altogether as one. And with each stroke of his magnificent manhood, our patriotism to build up, spurting to glorious heights and leaving us all breathless with ecstasy. Then we’ll nap.
But in all seriousness, nothing could conceivably showcase the utter stupidity of our political landscape than having a guy who less than a year ago was showcase during the RNC Convention now make a whack vid. It just brings it all together.
So, my friends, let us all get behind Levi and push him toward a total wang revelation followed by a round of self-love. Levi Johnston’s naked, videotaped wang will heal us. How is not important. Just know that Levi’s naked wang flesh will save us all. Trust me.
Update: America Wins! Levi to pose for Playgirl!