The Bishop and the Butterfly: Murder, Politics, and the End of the Jazz Age
    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    To save America, Levi Johnston must reveal his wang

    By William K. Wolfrum on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 9:26am | Politics, Humor & Satire

    My friends, never before in my lifetime have I witnessed an America so divided. Republicans fighting Democrats. Libertarians fighting environmentalists. Whigs not fighting anyone but just happy to be mentioned.

    This is why President Barack Obama comes under such criticism. He was elected under the false hope that he’d invite the economy over for a beer and have it leave a bull market behind. But Obama does not have all the answers, nor the ability to turn thing around. In fact, no man has the ability to turn this great nation around. Except one. Levi Johnston.

    You see, according to our friends at Towleroad, “The adult website StraightCollegeMen.com has made an offer to Levi Johnston following his statement last week that he’d pose nude for the right price.” Basically, the site is offering Johnston $25k to masturbate, an activity that normally pays him $25k less than that.

    My friends, upon seeing this news, a cosmic truth struck me - Levi Johnston’s wang could truly save this nation.

    Yes, I believe that Americans of all stripes are ready to come together as one, united under the wang of Johnston. Levi’s wang will bring us altogether as one. And with each stroke of his magnificent manhood, our patriotism to build up, spurting to glorious heights and leaving us all breathless with ecstasy. Then we’ll nap.

    But in all seriousness, nothing could conceivably showcase the utter stupidity of our political landscape than having a guy who less than a year ago was showcase during the RNC Convention now make a whack vid. It just brings it all together.

    So, my friends, let us all get behind Levi and push him toward a total wang revelation followed by a round of self-love. Levi Johnston’s naked, videotaped wang will heal us. How is not important. Just know that Levi’s naked wang flesh will save us all. Trust me.

    Update: America Wins! Levi to pose for Playgirl!


    –WKW

    Topics: 
    Politics
    Humor & Satire

    Comments

    Sorry for posting two so quickly. This one just got topical, tho ;) (See update)


    by William K. Wolfrum on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 9:27am

    I think I speak for most of us here at dagblog when I say you should never feel guilty for posting too many blog entries. Posting entries of inferior quality should be a guilt-inducing act (I have experience on that one), but not simply posting too many.


    by Nebton on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 10:11am

    "Posting entries of inferior quality"

    These words are foreign to me.


    by William K. Wolfrum on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 10:30am

    Wolfie, maybe you need to watch some Wow Wow Wuzby. I think your self esteem may need boosting.


    by Orlando on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 3:21pm

    Wolf, follow the golden rule: be yourself and you'll be cool, and if not then f*ck it.

    by Larry Jankens on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 4:18pm

    How about... "Posting entries of POSTERIOR quality." That more familiar?

    by quinn esq on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 7:47pm

    There's a country whose names I can think of, which start with a U and an S, and if you live there, you might want to get the fark out now. Quickly. Pronto. ASAP. If you happen to live in said country, you may want some tips on where to go. So, as a friend, I offer the following information, intended to ease your decision-making process during this stressful time. I'm sure you all know by now that Canada has universal health care. And that most of us speak English. And that we're friendly, work hard, play hard, and generally offer you the best chance to live your previous lives with minimal disruption and culture shock. One other thing you should probably know though.

    If you try to enter, we'll shoot you. No, really. You're tainted. It runs too deep. You have been warned.


    by quinn esq on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 12:11pm

    Enter at your own risk. Bill O'Reilly on Canada:

    Once a traditional religious country, Canada has become like Holland in its embrace of the secular movement...The fall of religion in Canada has corresponded to a change in public policy. Unlike Americans, Canadians have legalized gay marriage and any kind of abortion. Also, the age of consent for sex up north is just 14 years old. Can you imagine American adults being allowed to fool around with children that age? I can't. Even drug legalization is close to being a reality, as the city of Vancouver is developing a heroin give-away policy, and pot has been largely decriminalized across the country.

    To Canada's credit, they raised the age of consent to 16 in 2008. (It had been set at 14 in the godfearing days of 1892.) For legal adolescent sex, secular Europe is still your best best. For instance, the age of consent is 12 in Vatican City.


    by Michael Wolraich on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 12:25pm

    damn, i really think i may move. And it's not even JUST the age of consent thing. The free heroin is also attractive.


    by Deadman on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 1:32pm

    And so it begins. Invasion of the Dagbeats.

    by quinn esq on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 7:46pm

    "the age of consent is 12 in Vatican City." sh-sh-sh-shocking!

    by Larry Jankens on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 2:15pm

    Uh, who the hell is having sex in Vatican City? The entire population is under a vow of celibacy.

    (Please don't answer that if it has anything to do with 12 year olds.)


    by Orlando on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 3:24pm

    I'm pretty sure the Swiss Guard aren't under any such vow of celibacy. A vow of sillibacy though, perhaps.


    by Nebton on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 3:38pm

    Okay, you're probably right. But have you seen their outfits? Those guys are definitely not getting laid.


    by Orlando on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 3:40pm

    --- Who the hell is having sex in Vatican City?--- THERE'S a sentence suitable for framing, under the title, "What the F*ck Was Orlando Thinking?"

    by quinn esq on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 7:45pm

    Playgirl is still around? Is it like the WNBA of porno mags - subsidized by it's successful parent company that markets to men? I'm surprised Palin Grrrl hasn't weighed in on this.

    by Larry Jankens on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 2:22pm

    I think Playgirl's market is also mostly men.


    by Michael Wolraich on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 2:31pm

    Then why is it called Playgirl? Why not "Playdude?" Or "Stubs and Chubs?" Or "Meat Wands?"

    by Larry Jankens on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 2:53pm

    Because the men who read it imagine themselves as girls.


    by Nebton on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 3:03pm

    The speed and angle of this decline... predictable, really. Stubs and chubs?

    by quinn esq on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 7:42pm

    I did a Google search on stubs and chubs. I encountered Chubs wubs Stubs.


    by Nebton on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 7:46pm

    Chubs wubs Stubs sounds like Larry's favorite TV show.


    by Orlando on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 8:23pm

    Did I cross the line with rhyming euphemisms and dick jokes?


    by Larry Jankens on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 10:02pm

    Larry, what do YOU think? Good God, what happened to the cops around this place? HEY! Orlando! Genghoid! A-man! Get this pervert outta here! Stubs and chubs. Yeah, that's regular church talk, that is. 2nd Kings 3:11-14.

    by quinn esq on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 10:50pm

    They're busy shoving crap into the U-Haul with a map of the Trans-Canada Highway on the dash.  So am I.  See you in a few days!


    by DF on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 11:03pm

    You should come through the border station near here. Good guys. One's named Stubs. You can probably guess the other. (They're pretty thorough.)

    by quinn esq on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 11:24pm

    Sorry quinn, I didn't realize you were so delicate. Luckily I caught this comment before I posted my new blog entitled: Various sex acts that are illegal in most of the world. And thank goodness gracious I didn't post the follow up blog: 2 girls 1 cup and 0 regrets. If and when I offend you in the future, feel free to email me and complain.

    by Larry Jankens on Fri, 10/09/2009 - 12:40am

    Nah. Just sounds like Wuzby.


    by Orlando on Thu, 10/08/2009 - 11:35pm

    If it's about obese women making ribs and smoking cigarettes, it probably is.

    by Larry Jankens on Fri, 10/09/2009 - 12:42am