Larry Jankens's picture

    Tea Cup Piglets and Mini-Elephants

    Pictured below is a Teacup Piglet, just like Teacup Poodles and Matchbox Chihuahuas, these animals are bred to be diminutive in stature to enhance their adorability rating - and look at the pig below, they are goddamn adorable. Chris Murray at Pennywell Farm in Devon, England, has spent the last 9 years breeding pigs to be smaller and smaller, to the point where they can fit easily into a teacup when they are born.

     
    When I first read about these wee pigs a few questions sprung to mind; 1) Can you house train them? The other option is diapers, but I don’t think anybody wants to change pig diapers, I don't even want to change baby diapers; 2) They are small, but are they deliciously small? We all know how delicious veal is, does teacup pig meat have that same savory taste? I hope so I love veal bologna; 3) Can you treat them like mini-mobile garbage disposals? ‘Cause that’d be cool to be sitting on your couch eating and apple and tossing the core to Babe when you’re done.

    I don’t think I’d get a teacup piglet (unless they were delicious and in that case I'd get a few and make sausage), but I really like the idea Pennywell Farms has: take an animal and breed it smaller so it can fit through a doggy door. But why stop at pigs? There are a lot cooler animals to make miniature.

    How about a minute hippopotamus? Or a petite panda? Or a tiny elephant?



    Think of how cool it would be to have a mini-elephant around the house. I love dogs, but I’d take a little elephant over a dog any day of the week. I’d get two mini-elephants, Dumbo and Little Stampy, they’d be brothers. It’d be like Wear the Red Fern Grows with more peanuts (they like peanuts right?) and less racoons.

    Pet elephants would be way better than pet dogs. The little sonofab*tch could hand you stuff with his trunk. You could train it to get you a beer from the fridge! Plus, I’ve seen shows with painting elephants. I’d make Dumbo and Little Stampy (friends would call him Stampalicious) create paintings and then sell ‘em at posh galleries.

    Granted, the selective breeding of smaller and more docile elephants would take a long time, but I say we make that investment for our posterity. It took humans a long time to turn wolves into wiener dogs, but we took the time and did it because it was worth doing. I believe mini-elephants are also worth it. They’d kick the sh*t out of a wiener dog.

    If we had started converting elephants into house pets a hundred years ago we’d probably have an elephant the size of a small mastiff by now. So if anybody reading this has the means to start selectively breeding elephants to become household pets, I implore you to do so. Not for us, but for the future, for the children, mini-elephants.

    Comments


    Good!  Let's round the little guys up and bring 'em home.  This is awesome.  Nebton, do you have any ins on the Borneo-small-elephant-black-market?  Don't answer here, email me: larry.jankens@gmail.com

    Hope to hear from you so I can get my hands on mini elephant.


    Can we make miniature Republicans? Jeff Sessions wouldn't be nearly as odius if I could fit him in my pocket.


    We could take our teacup Republicans to tea parties and watch them agitate. Too cute.


    What's funny is that even in miniature size their positions would be drastically overblown.


    Apparently, the secret is in breeding the animals to keep the various proportions looking correct, while actually changing them dramatically. You know. The surface area of the animal vs the volume and weight changes heat loss.... the surface area of the bottom of the feet has to deal with changed weight... and so on for lungs, heart, etc...

    Obviously, the historic breeders breakthrough in this regard was in countering the male animal's loss of self-respect by providing vastly oversized sex organs.

    Apparently, American doctors are under real pressure to extend this technique to entire U.S. cities where male self-respect has plummetted.

    I think Philly was mentioned.


    Yes, I've already signed up for the clinical trials. I found the ad on the internets.


    we don't have elephants as pets yet, obvously but the FBI loves to play god, so it won't be long before we do..Tongue out


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