Maiello: Defeat the Press
Wolraich: Obama at the Gates of... Gates
It has been several months since I, William K. Wolfrum, formally declared my intention to run for the office that I deserve to win. Since then, I have had multiple donors who have helped me spread my message across this great land.
My message is built on simplicity – I deserve to be elected to the office that I want to win. There are multiple reasons why I feel deserving. For one, I love America. Truly love it. I believe America is the greatest county in the history of countries. More than that, it is better than the nomadic tribes that preceded countries. America is just a kick-ass country and I love it. America is where dreams happen. Which is why I deserve to be elected to that office that I want.
Another factor is that I love my wife. Truly love her. Let her tell you:
“My husband truly loves me,” said William K. Wolfrum’s wife in a phone interview.
I also love my dogs. I love the hell out of them. I pet them and give them food and speak very kindly to them because I heard dogs like that sort of thing. Feel free to vote for that other person who doesn’t love dogs. Just know I do love them. I love my wife more, of course, and I love America even more than her, but make no mistake – I also love my dogs.
Sure, some people are against my candidacy. They feel I haven’t been open enough about my financial affairs and past work. Well, the simple fact is that I have been far more open than most candidates on these issues. Here are the facts: I have personal finances that I take care of. I could have a little, I could have a lot. I could have in-between. But that’s all just speculation and I won’t give the media the satisfaction of speculating on my finances.
As for my past, I have long been open about that, as well. In the past, I did a lot of things. Some of those things were good, some were bad. I am human just like you, and I have made mistakes. But not really bad mistakes and not mistakes I feel should keep me from being elected to the office I am seeking.
If and when I am elected to that office, I promise you I will help lead this nation/state/county/city out of the doldrums. My plans are based on making things better for everyone, not just the select few. By harnessing the power of freedom, the free market, patriotism and liberty, I will take this nation/state/county/city back to where it once was, during those great days of yore when everything was just excellent.
My friends, your choice is clear. I, William K. Wolfrum, have shown that I not only love America, my wife and my dogs, but also you. Yes, I truly love each one of you. That is why I have detailed my past and policy positions in this post. Because I am a straight-shooting truth-teller.
So remember to vote for William K. Wolfrum for that office I’m running for in November. This is the most important election in the history of America. You can vote for some undeserving jerk that doesn’t love America, or their spouse or their dogs. Or you can vote for someone you know and trust. For that office. That I deserve.
Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles