The “sons of God” thought that human women were hot, so they took the ones that they wanted. The offspring (God’s grandchildren) were mighty giants. Meanwhile, God decided that humans were living too long, so he cut their maximum life spans to 120.

Commentary: God has sons? Who was the mother? Or mothers even? I must say, this is one weird passage. I cannot help but reflect upon the awesomeness of God’s magnificent manhood, or rather Godhood. Fortunately, the Great Rabbi Ezekiel Bezekial offers wise words to relieve my awe and confusion:

“The sages have long been troubled by the Torah’s mention of the sons of God, for how can God, who is pure, have produced sons? One should not however take ‘sons of God’ to mean God’s offspring. The term is meant metaphorically. The ‘sons of God’ are obviously fallen angels who have been banished from Heaven and thus roam the earth raping human women.”

When the Great Rabbi says something, of course it must be true, but I wonder if the same words uttered by a more humble soul might be considered blasphemous and earn the humble soul a humble stoning. After all, the Torah does not say, “fallen angels.” It says, “sons of God,” and surely God meant everything he said in the Torah. But the Great Rabbi isn’t called the Great Rabbi for nothing, and I’m sure that he has a deep and subtle explanation beyond the comprehension of a poor latriner for why revising God’s words is an act of piety.

Eventually, God got sick of the people that he made because they were wicked. We don’t know what they did that was so wicked, but it must have been pretty bad because God said,

“I will obliterate humanity that I have created from the face of the earth - man, livestock, land animals, and birds of the sky. I regret that I created them.”

Commentary: I imagine that the livestock, land animals, and birds of the sky may have wished to appeal this plan, since they weren’t the ones being wicked and never asked for God to make people in the first place.

Fortunately for us people, God had a soft spot for Methuselah’s grandson, Noah, and enjoyed walking with him. God told Noah that he would unleash a great flood on the Earth but that he would spare him, his wife, his sons, and their wives. He told Noah to build a boat out of cypress wood and caulk it with pitch. He commanded that it be 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits high, with three decks subdivided into compartments. He further specified that there be a door on the side and a slanted skylight, one cubit wide.

Commentary: God is bit of a micromanager. Though I hesitate to question His infinite knowledge of ark design, I wonder if the skylight was such a good idea considering that there was a high chance of rain.

Then God commanded Noah to fill the boat with a male and female specimen from every species of bird, livestock, and land animal. He also advised Noah to bring food for his family and the animals.

Commentary: Once again, the trees and plants get screwed. Was the flood really necessary? Couldn’t God have simply applied his limitless power to kill off the bad guys directly? I’m sure that the plants and animals would have appreciated it.

The Heretic's Bible is a translation of a recently discovered commentary by a notorious first century heretic, Joseph the Latriner. The commentary is presented in italics with footnotes by the translator.

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Next: Genesis 7 - The earth gets wet