William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Web Austerity: It is time for the Internet to feel some pain

    For too long, the Internet has run amok. It has been a free-for-all of freedom of speech and distraction. It has made men billionaires and ruined the lives of others. It has become an all-powerful juggernaut in our lives.

    And it is time to regain control.

    My friends, the Internet has become an unsustainable model. And it is now tearing at the world’s economy as well as the fabric of society. It is impossible to list the damage the Internet is doing in its current form, so here is just a smattering:

    -- It’s jam-packed with pedophiles.

    -- It is making us a less innovative and thoughtful society.

    -- It promotes bullying.

    -- It is a drag on the economy and prompts false economic hopes.

    -- Seriously, it’s just overflowing with pedophiles.

    This reminds me of something that happened to me recently. I was reminded of the infamous “Dancing Baby” GIF. It gave me a nice little chuckle and remembering it made me feel good.

    Then I got angry.

    There once was a time when the Dancing Baby was enough for us. More than enough. We’d take the time to log on to the Internet just to stare at Dancing Babies for a short period of time, then move on with our lives.

    And we were happy.

    Twenty years later, we are all miserable, worrying about our Klout scores and Angry Birds and Anthony Weiner’s junk and how many followers or Likes we have received and what some cute cat is doing and who showed her who-ha while getting out of the car. The Internet is larger and faster than ever, yet we waste valuable time on such nonsense, destroying the economy and our souls in the process.

    And we are unhappy.

    That is why the time is now for a sweeping austerity program for the Internet. Only by cutting back can we truly move forward. Pain now will relieve the pain for your children and children’s children.

    Thus, it is time to enact provisions. Such as:

    -- The only way you may now access in the Internet will be through a 14.4 kb phone line. Via an AOL account.

    -- Facebook will still be available, but it will now cost $100 an hour to use the site. Let’s see how important your high school friends are now.

    -- Twitter’s new character limit will be 0.

    -- LinkedIn will become a database of unemployed people.

    -- All porn sites will redirect you to Rick Warren’s home page.

    -- A paid government employee will watch every move you make on the computer, 24-hours-a-day, to make sure you aren’t a terrorist, pedophile, or terrorist pedophile.

    -- Taxes will be cut for those making $1 million or more.

    My friends, this is what’s best for us. Sure, all historic models show us that this type of thing never works and only makes things much worse. But those people just didn’t do austerity right.

    We are smarter than they are, however. And we know such limits on human development are needed in order to keep society and capitalism pure. The road ahead will be difficult. You are all about to get a haircut. Or feel a little pain. Or share in the sacrifice, or what have you. But just remember – you will always have Dancing Baby. And that should be enough.



    Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles


    But, but how will I know what the drinking word is from @BravoAndy if the twitter character limit goes to 0?

    Thank god for the dancing baby.


    I'll be taping pop tarts to the cats, so my kid can watch that for free.

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