Larry Jankens's picture

    Harvard Study Concludes: Church Sucks!

    A new study by Harvard researcher Robert Putnam (from Bowling Alone fame) says that the percentage of young Americans who claim they have no religious affiliation that usually hovers between 5-10% has skyrocketed to 30-40%. While this trend started in the 90’s and has continued through Generation X and Y this is still a startling change. Putnam is releasing his findings and his corresponding musing in a new book, “American Grace” due out later this year. Particularly perplexing, according to Putnam, is that these “nones,” as he calls them, are not necessarily atheists and have almost identical values and attitudes as their church going counterparts.

    This study has religious leaders all over the country askingwhy the younger generations have stopped going to Church. Which to me proves their lack of insight, because a person like me, who hasn’t been to church since the Clinton administration and has no theological backgroud, can easily answer that question – it ain’t hard to figure out. Here, I’ve outlined it below in 3 parts (yes, 3, I double checked my counting - thanks Nebton!):

    1) The younger generations realize that social conservatism is so 1500’s a.k.a. the Earth is not 6,000 yo, even if you live in the South

    Gay people aren’t evil, premarital sex is awesome, abortion is your personal choice, stem cell research is necessary, school prayer is scary, birth control is good, and science is important to our development as a species even if it contradicts the Bible. I mean really churches. How long are you going to try to sell this bill of goods that are illogical and categorically moronic? Kids today are a bit more informationally savvy than previous generations. These tired old arguments simply don’t work anymore. Established religion has become synonymous with closed minded backward thinking ideology.

    Outside of a religious context, would anybody waste their time talking to someone who claimed that the Jurassic period didn't really happen and that there is going to be a rapture were winged spirits will roam the earth collecting the righteous and damning the wicked? I think not. Wake up churches and stop pushing your tired old socially conservative ideas on a generation of folks who know you are full of sh*t.

    2) Church is incredibly boring a.k.a. I'd rather be checking my email

    Yeah, I said it, and I’ll say it again: Church is sooooooo boring. Make no bones about it, young people aren’t going to church because it sucks ass. The congregation sings, listens to somebody read some obscure part Bible passage, and then the pastor tries to tell everyone why the aforementioned Bible passages are relevant to their lives. B-O-R-I-N-G. I can sing on my own time – songs that I actually like. I can read the Bible on my own time – passages that actually make sense to me. And I prefer my interpretation of the Bible – which btw makes sense in the contemporary world as opposed to the crazy socially conservative bullshit that churches espouse.

    Way back in the day, church didn’t have to be entertaining because it didn't have much competition. Before radio, TV, and the internet, I’m sure church was fun - shoot, it may have been the highlight of your week. But now, with a multitude of entertainment options beset before us, the church is as exciting as watching your fingernails grow. I’m not saying the church should have cage matches in the middle of the service, I’m just saying they have to figure out something to spice it up because church is super boring.

    3) You must believe literally in the Bible, unless its inconvenient for the Church a.k.a. the because I said so argument:

    I have heard many church goers tell me that the Bible is not a buffet. I can’t just pick and choose what I want to take from it. Really? Because every freaking christian religion does that! The Bible, if you actually read it, has some fucked up sh*t in it: instructions on how to sack a neighboring village, what the proper way to sell your daughter into slavery is, and eating lobster is an abomination, to name a few. So while it’s okay for the religious leaders to pick and choose what parts of the Bible they want to follow, it’s not okay for the average person to do so? Smells like authoritarian hypocritical nonsense to me and my fellow "nones."

    Let me close with this: Jesus said, “Be fishers of men.” And I have no idea what the hell that is supposed to mean. But I’d be willing to go to church to find out if it wasn’t socially ackbasswards, if it didn’t make me want to take a nap, and if church leaders admitted that they are just as hypocritical and clueless as I am.



    You are so going to hell.

    Yeah, I get that a lot actually.

    On the serious side, I actually like the chuch service, especially at an Episcopalian church. It makes me feel closer to my family or something. The ritual feels comforting and safe. If only I believed.

    I have no sympathy for you short-attention-spanned goyim. Ever go to a Sat morning synagogue service? 3 hours in a foreign language with nothing but standing up and sitting down to break the monotony. If you're lucky, the rabbi will throw in a boring sermon. And the real Jews spend the whole day praying.

    I never go anymore except for those damn bar mitzvahs.

    You always struck me as the kind of a person who would never pass up an excuse to go to a bar.

    Perhaps you're not familiar with our terms of service. Abusive punnery is grounds for banning. Supermax banning. We don't fool around.

    And don't even ask about the meal loaf.

    Exactly. We never, ever fool around with meal loaf. Well, Deadman experimented a bit back in college. You didn't hear that from me.

    I am sort of an outsider working on the inside of a church trying to make it more accessible to outsiders...if that makes any sense. I agree for the most part church sucks. Actually, I think it blows! Thus I have created an entire website devoted to solving that problem or at least ranting about it. Check it out, it seems we are in total agreement on this subject.

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