The first electric razor was patented in 1928. About six months later, the Great Depression hit. This is not a coincidence.

From the moment Col. Jacob Schick decided that electricity was necessary for men to shave their faces, the nation’s fate was sealed. Because once American manufacturers realized they could sell Americans products that simply have no function or value, the entire economy was doomed.

Electric razors are one of the great breakthroughs in marketing history. Simply put, electric razors don’t work. They’ve never worked. They never will work. You’ll get an equally close shave from a pickle.

But they continue to be made and sold. That they continue to exist after 80 solid years of not working is both a tribute to marketing and the sheer stupidity of the American consumer.

Because hidden somewhere in every bathroom is an electric razor that has been used twice and discarded because it made a guy’s face look like it was angrily licked by wolverines. And an electric lady razor that made some poor woman’s legs look like she tried to remove hair via sandpaper and orange peels.

Now, I know there are some of you out there that will swear to me that your electric razor is the greatest and your face feels like a baby’s ass after you use it. We have a word for people like you around these parts – liar. You just aren’t fooling anyone. A Pet Rock is more useful than an electric razor in that at least you can use the rock to hold a door open.

After the electric razor came out, the doors flew wide open. From there came a torrent of Salad Shooters, electric tooth brushes, Coors, the Chia Pet and millions and millions of other products that had the trip[le-threat of being useless, wasteful and stupid. And moronic American consumers gobbled it all up.

And now here we are, $14 trillion in debt and with boxes of useless crap in storage because our homes were foreclosed on. And it all began because Schick realized Americans would buy anything and that anything worth having had to have a motor of some type and use energy.

So please, if you’re thinking of buying an electric razor, don’t. You’ll just be speeding up the demise of this once great nation. Shave yourself with a fork, instead. The results will be the same, you won’t use any electricity and the people in China that made it won’t laugh more at stupid American consumers.

–WKW

Crossposted at WIlliam K. Wolfrum Chronicles