William K. Wolfrum's picture

    God shoots himself in Wynn Las Vegas Hotel Room

    LAS VEGAS – The age old question – could God create a shotgun big enough to blow his own brains out? – has finally been answered. And that answer is, yes. Yes he can.

    God was found dead yesterday at the Wynn Las Vegas of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

    “At this point, we see nothing that suggests foul play,” said lead detective Timothy Johnson. “We found a suicide note at the scene.”

    This is the second controversial incident to take place at Wynn Las Vegas. Earlier this week, heiress Paris Hilton was arrested for cocaine possession upon leaving the resort.

    God, 43, has long been considered the top deity in the world, and has gone by numerous aliases in the past. Johnson said they found numerous passports in the room, including some with the names “God,” “Allah,” and “John Lennon,” amongst others.

    The suicide note was acquired by the renegade Web Site WikiLeaks, which immediately published key portions of the hand-written, often meandering document.

    “To Whom it may concern,” wrote God, with immaculate penmanship, “despite a divine, infinite existence, I have grown so weary of you morons that I could no longer bear the pain.”

    The document went on to say that while God had been able to work through holy wars, beheadings, pedophile priests and Pat Boone, recent events had made things too difficult to handle.

    “I have long spoke about false prophets, but I look over, and there’s Glenn Beck preaching about me as if he is me. And right next to him is Sarah Palin. She believes in witch doctors and speaking in tongues, for My sake. And Beck? He’s a Mormon! A Mormon! Do you even know what they believe?,” wrote God.

    “And the whole thing was about lower taxes and how social justice is evil! It’s official, I failed.”

    God stated that it was physicist Stephen Hawking that pushed him over the edge.

    “When Hawking said I didn’t exist, I thought, ‘well, sounds about right to me.’”

    God added that he’d be trying to reach out to the human race for the past few years, but no one seemed to care.

    “I sent you a sent you a massive earthquake in Haiti, and you did not notice. I blew up an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico, you didn’t notice. I drowned Pakistan, you were not to be bothered. There’s turmoil, war and death everywhere, but nothing. Screw you guys, I’m out of here,” wrote God.

    “Good luck with Beck and Palin and their ilk, folks,” God finished. “You’re going to need it. XOXOXOXO.”

    As for Hilton, her case is still in the preliminary stages. Comedian Jerry Lewis said he was much more perturbed about the actions of those like Hilton than by the death of God.

    “I think she need a f**king spanking! She has the intelligence of a box of rocks!” said Lewis.

    Nonetheless, Hilton denies all charges and says she will redeem herself.

    “This is so not cool,” said Hilton. “But I’ll be ok.”

    Las Vegas officials have warned of larger-than-normal crowds this weekend as curious travelers come to view the site where Hilton was arrested and God killed itself. Las Vegas Tourism official Ned Flanders said that the city could handle the crowds.

    “Oh, we’ll be fine,”said Flanders. “Try not to miss PeepShow, by the way. It features a bold and powerful woman with all the answers, who guides the timid “Bo”, a modern woman who has yet to find her own power, on a swift journey of awakening and self-discovery.

    “It’s really hot,” added Flanders.


    Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles


    "She has the intelligence of a box of rocks!” said Lewis.


    In other news, boxes of rocks around the world reportedly reacted with outrage to the comparison to Paris Hilton.

    I feel somewhat responsible. I really gave Him hell the other day when my train was 15 minutes late. That might not have been entirely his fault.

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