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    News From the Future: U.S. Passes "Straight To Scrap" Auto Subsidy

    May 6, 2029

    President George Prescott Bush signed into law a ground-breaking automobile subsidy that will pay the United States' last remaining automaker, General Chrysford, to build cars that will be shipped straight to the scrapyards. The Automotive Repurposing Act is designed to help the Big One survive a global glut of automobiles that has driven the price of cars below the break-even point. Lisa Lemmon, the CEO of General Chrysford, has lobbied hard for the bill and argued in a recent USA McNews editorial that the auto company could not survive without assistance:

    "General Chrysford isn't just a car company. It's a way of life. Families around here have been building cars for generations. But small companies like GC can't compete with the Asian megamanufacturers. Without Federal assistance, it just doesn't pay to build cars anymore."

    The bill's sponsor, Senator Otto Poppet, D-MI, explained the advantages of the straight-to-scrap approach.

    "The World Trade Federation won't let us subsidize production, but since this bill pays manufacturers to repurpose automobiles, it doesn't violate international trade laws, and since it decreases the supply of vehicles on the market, our manufacturers...uh...manufacturer can charge more for the cars that it does sell. Plus, it's a bonanza for the nation's scrap metal industry, and by putting fewer cars on the road, it even helps the environment. That's a win-win-win-win, which is a heck of a lot of wins."

    Senator Trey De Voett, R-AZ, who voted for the bill, believes that it will also help states without automobile industries:

    "By voting for the Automobile Repurposing Act, I was able to secure Senator Poppet's vote for the Cactus Redistribution Act, which is very important for Arizona's economy and America's status as the world leader in cactus redistribution."

    Celebrities also helped galvanize support for the bill. At the Car Aid 2029 benefit in Flint, MI, 80-year-old Bruce Springsteen performed his hit single, Ballad of the Certified Diesel Technician, and joined Rap-Country sensation, Redneck Killa and da Lonely Boyz, in a moving rendition of their hit, Ain't Nev-a Gonna Quit Makin' Caddies.

    But critics contend that the subsidy is nothing more than welfare for factory workers, many of whom already receive food stamps after the Mostly United Auto Workers union agreed to a 5-hour work week last August. Dewie Givaschitz, a spokesperson for Concerned Citizens Against Helping People, contends that the bill will lead to a slippery slope,

    "What's next? Paying grocery stores to compost their groceries? Airlines to fly empty planes? Dog walkers to walk around without dogs?"

    News From the Future is a series of dagblog exclusives about events that have yet to occur. We've received the articles through a glitch in the blogosphere known as a bunghole. Previous headlines:


    damn, these are funny. better than a lot of the stuff the onion does.

    awesome, awesome names of people, songs, and organizations, too. (Lisa Lemmon ... Trey de Voett ... Dewie Givaschitz ... Mostly United Auto Workers? Concerned Citizens Against Helping People? and perhaps my favorite of them all, Springsteen's future classic, the Ballad of the Certified Diesel Technician,

    Thanks, D. This one was possibly my favorite of the bunch (I like the Cactus Redistribution Act), but it seems to have generated a big yawn so far, both here and at TPM. I'll keep 'em coming.

    Just because we don't comment, it doesn't mean we don't enjoy it. We just have nothing to add. Perhaps you need to add a little flamebait or something if you want to see how many people are reading it.

    Actually, our super secret blogger technology does allow me to see the reads. And of course, TPM has the recs. (But at TPM, if it's not about republicans or undergarments, it's not going anywhere.) What I need is an enjoyment detector.

    Or I could just shrug my shoulders and keep writing.

    Oh man, I'm writing a piece about undergarments!  Thanks for the idea Genghis!

    For bonus credit, I suggest that you write about Republican undergarments.

    Since this is turning into the First Annual Genghis Appreciation Day, I must acknowledge that exile to Philly has stirred the man's creative juices. He's virtually cornered the market on reporting from both the distant future and the dawn of creation.

    Thankfully, he can write only so many posts a day, so he's left a gap between the Middle Ages and today for the rest of us to comment on. But we'd better work fast; I hear his treatise linking the Industrial Revolution to the invention of underpants is going to be a blockbuster.

    Nothing in the middle is worth discussing.

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