VATICAN – Claiming he had no choice and was only protecting himself and his Church, Pope Benedict today shot and killed God. The Almighty was rushed to a nearby hospital but was pronounced dead from the wounds.

The shooting took place moments before the Pope’s annual Easter Mass. During the Mass, the Pope declared that the act of violence was necessary to help stop the “Flood of Gossip” which threatens to derail the church. A senior Pope spokesman later discussed the incident with CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

“Listen, the recent allegations that the Pope protected pedophile priests was the last straw,” said Cardinal Guido Sarducci. “It was time for the Pope to act, decisively and with finality. It was self-defense, plain and simple.”

The Cardinal added that the Catholic Church has too long been beholden to an unreasonable God, who holds high expectations like having Catholic Priests not molest children. By removing God once and for all from the equation, the Pope could finally ascend from mere mortal to true deity.

“We’re the ones who have done the work on Earth and we’re the ones who make the rules,” said Sarducci, calmly smoking a Pall Mall. “So if the Pope says this pedophile controversy is false, then it must be considered false. Praise be to Benedict.”

The Pope was not arrested for the killing of God, nor was he questioned, as such things just aren’t done. Top Catholic Bill Donohue said that the death of God would only make the Church more important to the world.

“God is dead,” said Donohue. “It is time for all nations to come together and realize that they have always been worshiping the word of Man. And that man is the Pope. His word be praised.”

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles