The Bishop and the Butterfly: Murder, Politics, and the End of the Jazz Age
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    Santorum Invokes the "Real Republican" Defense

    By Michael Wolraich on Tue, 03/27/2012 - 4:27pm | Politics, Humor & Satire

    Like a fairy tale hero, Rick Santorum hopes to win the Republican nomination by spinning poop into gold.

    On Sunday, he laid into a New York Times reporter, saying, "Quit distorting my words. ... It's bullshit."

    The public use of an expletive by a "serious" presidential candidate provoked condemnation from his opponents, while respectable news outlets gleefully smeared the word "bull----" across their august pages.

    But Santorum is trying to make the most of the shitstorm. On Fox News, he proudly declared, "If you haven't cursed out a New York Times reporter during the course of a campaign, you're not really a real Republican." He followed up with a fundraising letter titled, "I Am Ready to Take On The New York Times."

    Republican analysts are closely evaluating the effectiveness of Santorum's "Real Republican" response, which could become a staple of right-wing damage control strategy. Focus groups have responded positively to hypothetical retorts by other conservatives who have taken wrong turns up shit creek. Here are few examples:

    Rush Limbaugh: If you haven't publicly called a liberal college student a slut, you're not really a real Republican.

    Mitt Romney: If you're not a millionaire with multiple houses and a couple of Cadillac who is hopelessly out-of-touch with working Americans, you're not really a real Republican.

    Sarah Palin: If you haven't mangled American history and international affairs, you're not really a real Republican.

    Newt Gingrich: If you haven't shut down the federal government, been reprimanded for ethics violations, and divorced two wives while championing the sanctity of marriage and attacking a Democratic president for infidelity, you're not really a real Republican.

    George W. Bush: If you haven't launched two disastrous wars for trumped up reasons and failed to finish either, you're not really a real Republican.

    John Yoo: If you haven't invented a Constitutional warrant for torture, you're not really a real Republican.

    (Once and future) Judge Roy Moore: If you haven't been removed from office for violating the Alabama Canons of Judicial Ethics, you're not really a real Republican.

    James O'Keefe: If you haven't selectively edited videos and been arrested while masquerading as a journalist masquerading as a telephone repairman, you're not really a real Republican.

    Pastor Terry Jones: If you haven't publicly burned a Koran to provoke international outrage, you're not really a real Republican.

    Andrew Joseph Stack III: If you haven't crashed your airplane into a federal building, you're not really a real Republican.

    Topics: 
    Politics
    Humor & Satire

    Comments

    Romney: his problem is not being rich or having multiple houses - are we playing class warfare here? His problem is gutting companies of their assets and dropping the carcass on the taxpayer.

    Bush: did he trump up the war in Afghanistan? seems he had a decent excuse, but I can't remember what it was. BTW, it was his withdrawal plan Obama followed, so technically he did finish the "dumb" war. The "smart" one keeps on giving. Still, thought you'd have used the "major league asshole" remark.

    Zimmerman: appears to be a registered Democrat the last 10 years.

     


    by PeraclesPlease on Tue, 03/27/2012 - 4:55pm

    Romney:  .....hopelessly out-of-touch with working Americans.  That's a fact and one may assert it's because of his being in the 1% 'class'.  But, there are many who share that position and are very much in-touch with the 99% including working Americans.  


    by Aunt Sam on Tue, 03/27/2012 - 5:15pm

    OK, I took out Zimmerman. I was concerned that it was in poor taste anyway. As for the rest...whatever.


    by Michael Wolraich on Tue, 03/27/2012 - 5:55pm

    Yeah, Somerby goes on about "whatever" today as well

    I like these gloves-off fights where everything's fair whether it's true or not.


    by PeraclesPlease on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 1:39am

    Republicans on what it takes to be Republican:

    Santorum: for family values and all that "bullshit"; extending the rights of the unborn to pre-conception

    Rick Perry: having God tell you you should be Prez; thinking God is a Texan and loves expensive oil

    Romney: for health care before he was against it

    Bush: for social security lock box and balanced budget before he was against it

    John Yoo: for the Consitution before he found a hole in it; shifting habeas corpus to torturous corpus

    Judge Roy Moore: faithfully upholding the law... of Leviticus

    Dick Cheney: had to violate government security to save it, setting up own branch of government when needed

    Hermann Cain: treating rabbits and goldfish better than women, knocking 'em down like Dominos

    Newt Gingrich: being open with your wives (and other people's wives)

    James O'Keefe: having pimp fantasies tied up with (anti-)social issues and occasional Rohypnol

    Bill O'Reilly: limit female access to contraception and replace it with loofa mitts and falafel "things"

    Rush Limbaugh: shift health care funding from sluts on The Pill & RU-486 to funding junkie talk show hosts on Viagra & OxyContin

    Sarah Palin: aggressively cutting government payrolls, including your own elected position; National bus tours across the state of Alaska (in full sight of Russia)

    Tea Party: hey! who squealed?

    Paul Ryan: wantonly cutting the budget to balance the budget

    Grover Norquist: wantingly cutting the budget to eliminate the budget

    Lindsay Graham: making Defense the 4th branch of government

    John McCain: thinking it already is, and he's General-in-Chief; Afghanistan  4evuh.

    The Supreme Court: no personal rights unturned

    Andrew Breitbart: more than a lifetime being obnoxious

    Michelle Bachman: teaching people carbon dioxide's good for them; re-interpreting and re-locating the founding fathers

    Bonus:

    Q: why should we have voted Palin into the White House? 

    A: we would have quit Iraq & Afghanistan within 2 weeks


    by PeraclesPlease on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 9:10am

    Jeff Foxworthy lives!


    by Michael Maiello on Tue, 03/27/2012 - 5:07pm

    I hereby render unto Genghis the Dayly Line of the Day Award for this here Dagblog Site given to all of him from all of me. The problem becomes, which line? I dunno try this:

    Rush Limbaugh: If you haven't publicly called a liberal college student a slut, you're not really a real Republican.

    You manage in each example to give me one message:

    HOW DOES IT FEEL?

    HAHAHHAHAHAH


    by Richard Day on Tue, 03/27/2012 - 5:12pm

    "The public use of an expletive by a "serious" presidential candidate provoked condemnation from his opponents, while respectable news outlets gleefully smeared the word "bull----" across their pages."

    In the 1972 Presidential campaign, former Oklahoma Senator and former Chairman of the Democratic National Committee, Fred Harris made a brief run for President using the slogan, "No More Bullshit."  I was a New Yorker going to college in Oklahoma at the time.  I still have that "No More Bullshit" campaign button somewhere.  In those days, none of the news outlets would print his slogan, now it's 'gleefully smeared' ...Go figure.

     

     


    by MrSmith1 on Tue, 03/27/2012 - 5:40pm

    Didn't Norman Mailer and Jimmy Breslin get there first ?

    by jollyroger on Tue, 03/27/2012 - 7:28pm

    Yeah, but that was only for Mayor of NYC and City Council President, not (gasp) President.  I still think Mailer and Breslin were right and that New York City should secede from the rest of New York State.


    by MrSmith1 on Tue, 03/27/2012 - 9:40pm

    Appears to me that Santorum is clearly working hard to fill the culture warrior shoes of  those that have gone before him: Dan Quayle and Spiro Agnew. The more attention the left can give him, the better he can serve.


    by artappraiser on Tue, 03/27/2012 - 5:48pm

    considering how well things worked out for Quayle and Agnew... Go, Rick, go!

    by jollyroger on Tue, 03/27/2012 - 7:32pm

    Is spring training almost over?


    by Dan Kervick on Tue, 03/27/2012 - 7:29pm

    This is a surprise? ...and when a Republican gets the nod this summer they will be the Real American and Obama will be the Kenyan socialist usurper. More poop into gold from the GOP.


    by NCD on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 10:23am

    and Obama will be the Kenyan socialist usurper

    Nah (that would be Newt,) and it looks like Mitt's going to go with the Ronald Reagan vs. Jimmy Carter thing--see the last graph:

    Bowing to the Kremlin

    Why Obama's "hot mic" diplomacy is endangering America.

    BY MITT ROMNEY | MARCH 27, 2012

    The Carter thing occurred to me before this with what I read about the administration scrambling on the gas prices issue; I think Mitt's team is betting/hoping on high oil/gas prices tied up with the Iran sanctions/pressures occurring at the right time for them, and the Obama team likewise is worried about that.

    Edit to add: March 28 Foreign Policy published a response letter to Mitt's op-ed above from the Obama campaign's foreign policy advisor team, here:

    http://www.foreignpolicy.com/articles/2012/03/28/an_open_letter_to_mitt_...

    (Among the signatory names I note that Gen. Wesley Clark is still a supporter....)


    by artappraiser on Thu, 03/29/2012 - 4:41am