Two angels disguised as men came to the town of Sodom one evening. Abraham's nephew Lot met them at the city gate and invited them to stay with him. That night, all the men of Sodom, young and old alike, gathered at Lot's door and demanded that he release the strangers to them so that they could butt-rape* them.

Commentary: Sodom was not a popular tourist destination.

Lot, being a good host, refused this request and offered the mob his two virgin daughters instead.

Commentary: The Great Rabbi Ezekiel Bezekiel has written, "Behold the virtue of Lot, who would sacrifice his daughters before his guests." I revere the Great Rabbi, I really do, but sometimes I think that he has a very perverse notion of virtue.

In any case, the men weren't interested in Lot's virgin daughters because Sodomites don't swing that way.** They tried to break into Lot's house, but the strangers used their angelic powers to blind the men so that they couldn't find the door.

Commentary: You have to be pretty desperate not to give up your depraved pursuit even after you have been struck blind by angels.

The angels then warned Lot to get the heck out of Sodom because they were about to destroy the city. At dawn, they led Lot, his wife, and his two daughters out of the city and told Lot, "Run for your life! Do not look back! Do not stop anywhere in the valley! Flee to the hills, so that you will not be swept away!"

Lot didn't think that he could make it to the hills in time and asked the angels if they wouldn't mind sparing a little town along the way where he could take refuge. The angels didn't mind. By the time Lot reached the town, the sun had risen. God then poured sulfur and fire rain on the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Commentary: Fire rain is like rain but fierier.

Everyone in the cities and the surrounding plain died, along with all the plants (which once again suffered God's wrath through no fault of their own).

Lot's wife looked back to see the devastation and was turned into a pillar of salt.

Commentary: Mineralization is a curious consequence of witnessing holy retribution, but that's what you get when you don't listen to angels. Why didn't God just turn all the Sodomites into pillars of salt? Less dramatic, I suppose. God has a taste for gratuitous devastation.

Lot was afraid to stay in the city, what with all the fire rain and saltpillarizing, so he went up to the hills and settled in a cave alone with his two daughters. One day, the older sister said to the younger, "Our father is growing old, and there is no other man left in the world to marry us in a normal manner. Come, let's get our father drunk with wine, and sleep with him."

Commentary: So that's how it is in their family.

So for the next two nights, Lot's daughters got their dad drunk and had their way with him, one the first night, one the second.

Commentary: Lot must have had some kind of mojo*** for an old drunk guy.

Each daughter had a son who founded the nations of Moab and Ammon respectively. That makes Lot the father/grandfather of both nations.

Commentary: In short, God burned the sodomites and mineralized the back-lookers but saved the daughter-sacrificers and father-fornicators. As the Great Rabbi has written, "Perfect is the justice of the Lord."

* Butt-rape. Low Aramaic slang, literally "barge through the back door."
** Don't swing that way. Low Aramaic slang, literally "liked to blow the ram's horn."
*** Mojo. Literally, "phallus of unusual fortitude."

The Heretic's Bible is a translation of a recently discovered commentary by a notorious first century heretic, Joseph the Latriner. The commentary is presented in italics with footnotes by the translator.

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