LeBron James may be new to town, but he better learn that Miami belongs to Dexter Morgan.

Headlines

Johannes Mehserle was convicted of involuntary manslaughter – the least possible sentence – after shooting an immobilized and unarmed Oscar Grant on the Oakland Subway system. Here’s how some media organizations described the aftermath:

ALASKA - Moments after releasing a meandering video that seemed to point out that she wanted white women on the streets, Sarah Palin dropped another bombshell - She will be LeBron James' pick for Vice-President.

CLEVELAND – Basketball star LeBron James will reportedly be taking a shower at around 8:30 p.m. EST tonight. James – who averaged nearly 30 points and nine assists per game in 2009-2010 – will very likely use soap, shampoo and possibly conditioner, said an anonymous ESPN source.

If a Sea Turtle could, it would murder you with its bare hands. And liberal environmentalists would like nothing more than to allow this ancient species to gain the power they’ve always slowly plotted.

Sea Turtles are often portrayed as wise, harmless keepers of the deep. But such a description couldn’t be further from the truth. The fact is this – Sea Turtles are monstrous man-eaters that make Great White Sharks look like otters.

Well in an unexpected move to prove his manliness and tough guy persona,  Mitt Romeny has come out in favor of nuclear proliferation.

CLEVELAND – Citing potential “National Security Issues,” President Barack Obama today ordered all media to stay 2,000 feet away from basketball superstar LeBron Jame

We are all so incredibly lucky to witness the inception of Beck University! Beck University has exactly two employees and Beck, the employese being a strange PhD named Dr. Stoner.

Whatever LeBron James does, or doesn’t do in the next few days will be the most important thing or non-thing ever.

Factoid

LeBron James and Tiger Woods share the same birthday – Dec. 30.

It’s a Hot Dog!

Odd News

Eating Anarchy: Competitive eater Joey “Jaws” Chestnut won the annual Coney Island “Stuff your Face With Hot Dogs” thing, his fourth victory in the event. Chaos later ensued, when legendary eater Takeru Kobayashi – who is starting his own eating league, I think – crashed the party and was later arrested. Dear Lord, we are stupid people.

Having already made his views on Jews clear in an earlier rant, actor Mel Gibson is now in trouble for making derogatory statements towards Blacks in a recent taped tirade. In the tape, Gibson attacks Oksana Grigorieva, the mother of one of his many, many children, for her choice of clothing.

The Plan to ignore the BP Oil Disaster until it went away hasn’t worked out.

New

Earnings Going Down: Supply and demand, baby.

Yes, it is only Wednesday, but damn there have been some big  politcal Dick moves so far this week.

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: I originally wrote this for readers at Open Salon, but believe the advice below is of great importance to all bloggers lesser than myself.]

Hi, everyone, I'm Master Blogger William K. Wolfrum. My friends call me Bill, but for purposes of this presentation, I'd rather you called me Master Blogger William K. Wolfrum.

Larry King will retire from CNN. This may be the straw that breaks America’s back.

News

Oil-Soaked Beaches: With Hurricanes pushing the waters, oil is hitting more and more beaches, making this disaster a lot more real to many.

"It's like a celebration of being who you are, of being yourself - no judging."

SOUTH AFRICA - Due to the lack of leadership shown by U.S. President Barack Obama, the United States was knocked out of the World Cup by Ghana, 2-1. It was a tough, back-and-forth game that went 30 extra minutes to decide a winner.

Still, the onus for the lost must go on Obama, who did not attend one World Cup game, due to some oil thing in the Gulf of Mexico.

Some are saying, however, that this is yet more proof that Obama was, in fact, born in Kenya, as Ghana is an African nation. Stop being such a sheeple and read between the lines, people.

--WKW