Ramona: Hillary Plays the Gender Card
Richard Day: Patton Oswalt's Grief
VATICAN - Pope John Paul II will be beatified on May 1, after Vatican officials judged that the deceased pontiff's ability to make child molestation and sexual abuse charges seem like no big deal was officially a miracle.
"You'd think people would care that the Pope knew full well that Catholic priests who were molesting kids were protected," said Vatican spokesman Father Oliver O'Grady."Turns out, no one seems to care. It's a miracle!"
Many credit both John Paul II and current Pope Benedict XVI with helping to turn things around for the Catholic Church, which had faced a public relations nightmare after thousands of people had come forward claiming Catholic priests had molested them as children. The two pontiffs worked overtime to squash and cover up many of these claims, as well as to make pedophilia seem akin to a speeding ticket.
"Take it from me, I would have thought that molesting hundreds of vulnerable children would be a big problem, both for me and the Catholic church," said Cardinal Roger Mahony. "Turns out, not so much."
Those seeking sainthood for John Paul II have mounted a hard campaign to enhance the former Pope's reputation. The final blow came recently, when they convinced Catholic followers that pedophilia was the in thing in the 1970s.
"Everyone was doing it, man," said O'Grady. "It was the scene."
Once beatified, John Paul II will become known as the Patron Saint of Pedophiles. He will be the first new saint since he himself beatified Saint Mother Teresa, who is now the Patron Saint of Condoms Will Give You AIDS.