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William K. Wolfrum's picture

Pope John Paul II's final miracle - making child molestation seem like no big deal

VATICAN - Pope John Paul II will be beatified on May 1, after Vatican officials judged that the deceased pontiff's ability to make child molestation and sexual abuse charges seem like no big deal was officially a miracle.

"You'd think people would care that the Pope knew full well that Catholic priests who were molesting kids were protected," said Vatican spokesman Father Oliver O'Grady."Turns out, no one seems to care. It's a miracle!"

Many credit both John Paul II and current Pope Benedict XVI with helping to turn things around for the Catholic Church, which had faced a public relations nightmare after thousands of people had come forward claiming Catholic priests had molested them as children. The two pontiffs worked overtime to squash and cover up many of these claims, as well as to make pedophilia seem akin to a speeding ticket.

"Take it from me, I would have thought that molesting hundreds of vulnerable children would be a big problem, both for me and the Catholic church," said Cardinal Roger Mahony. "Turns out, not so much."

Those seeking sainthood for John Paul II have mounted a hard campaign to enhance the former Pope's reputation. The final blow came recently, when they convinced Catholic followers that pedophilia was the in thing in the 1970s.

"Everyone was doing it, man," said O'Grady. "It was the scene."

Once beatified, John Paul II will become known as the Patron Saint of Pedophiles. He will be the first new saint since he himself beatified Saint Mother Teresa, who is now the Patron Saint of Condoms Will Give You AIDS.

--WKW

 

Bless you, Wolfrum; you have cut right through the BS (Beatification Scam).

So, can we prosecute any of these dirtbags already?

Also, it would seem that this 2002 episode of South Park was eerily prescient.

The real miracle will be an updated loaves and fishes, where the disembodied pontiff causes the gold and silver in the vatican's collections to mysteriously multiply out of all measure, when someone finally  brings this bunch of racketeers to heel and imputes liability from the agents to the principal.

Nothing puts this rehabilitated trial lawyer at risk of a relapse like the prospect of "doing well by doing good...."

You know I wrote them for some beatification and they said stick it!

First, I would have to be dead for chrissakes.

Now how am I going to get beatified, how in the hell can I get my request in if I have to be dead first?

This beatification stuff is bullshite!!

Deaden, therefore, YOUR body members. . . (Colossians 3:5)

One wonders, who can be beatified?

Beats me.

No, that will prevent member-deadening...

Hey! Day and I treasure our members...*deaden your own if you like (I won't reiterate a prior reference which caused AT to rebuke me as juvenile...)

*As (I think it was Shakespeare who said it, maybe not...) they say, "time heals all wounds and deadens all members..."

  .“And if ever your hand makes you stumble, ...... 45 And if your foot makes you stumble, cut it off; ........And if your eye makes you stumble, throw it away; it is finer for you to enter one-eyed into the kingdom of God than with two eyes to be pitched into Ge·hen′na. . .

.“And if ever your hand makes you stumble

 

Can't I just use depilatory once a week?

throw it away

Don't you think "pluck it out" as more of a ring to it?

Cut it out

No man, if I stop the depilatory I'll have to learn how to braid...;

how to braid...;

which is really hard with only one hand...

Take care jolly, I have to go .

I looked up the word you used the other day something about authority, not much for me to reflect upon, Only about Cyrus,  

maybe when this post is a few days old and below the crease,  maybe you could return and explain the term and it's application? Direct it to me  

I might need more of a lead to find it...we'll see. ciao

strictly speaking (don't try this at home, kids) I believe that the architecture of the eye socket renders nugatory any need for a sharp instrument-I'm given to understand (we'll have to ask a gouging expert like Destor) that thumbs do just fine.

If your hand makes you stumble you,re probably some kind of an ape.

I've got blisters on my fingers and calluses on my knuckles!

I think the Beatles said that....

If your foot makes you stumble you probably need new shoes. Actually buying a new pair of shoes would probably be less traumatic than cutting off your foot ( and it would ABSOLUTELY be more likely to make you stumble LESS than having only one foot).

I mean, is there a prohibition of using logical thinking in these verses?.

ie: The cure for stumbling is this: cut off your hand (?), or your foot (?), or throw away your eye(?). Brilliant

Which will leave you fit only for pushinhg yourself around on a skateboard...I knew a guy in this condition once, but he stepped on a landmine in Nam...I don't think he would have done it to himself.

Of course, per contra, Oedipus.

It is figurative.

To illustrate the “eye,” is what you focus with, focusing your attention on something. The hand; what you do with your hands, good deeds or bad. 

Because they failed to “ walk with god” they stumbled, tripped up, by their lust 

If you review the preceding verses, it warned those pedophile priests (Mark 9:42) . . .But whoever stumbles one of these little ones that believe, it would be finer for him if a millstone such as is turned by an ass were put around his neck and he were actually pitched into the sea. 

The pedophile Priests would have known this scripture and understood the figurative nature, even if you don’t. The pedophiles knew the importance of making sure they didn’t stumble a little one. 

These pedophile priests knew what to do. They knew their choices  

There are metaphors within metaphors. For the priests, the metaphor was fairly clear: if there was no other way to stop their depravity, they should have voluntarily undergone chemical castration. (I'm not a psychiatrist, but my understanding is that this helps cure sexual desires, although I expect it's not a perfect cure.) For the church, however, there's a metaphor on top of that metaphor - that of its members being like body parts. They should've "cut off" the priests who were engaging in these acts. (NB: I expect we're in complete agreement on this, so don't take this any other way than as commentary.)

Will he be the patron saint of wolves I wonder ?

Wolves in sheep's clothing of course!

 

Patron Saint Of Wolves

And all this time I thought "spare the rod, spoil the child" was about beating kids, I guess I misunderstood which "rod" they were refering to

 

And all this time I thought "spare the rod, spoil the child" was about beating kids, I guess I misunderstood which "rod" they were refering to

 

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