Lo! The deadline approacheth! In New York, the bond traders shred their garments and gnash their teeth! In Washington, the Federal Reserve Chairman foretells a "huge financial calamity." The dollar is falling, the bankers are wailing, the President, it is said, is agitated.

My friends, for 35 years we have searched for Richie Cunningham's older brother, Chuck.

 Happy Canada Day (formerly Dominion Day), July 1, and Happy Fourth of July (formerly Independence Day), July 4.  Both days celebrate independence from Great Britain, the only difference being we dropped the Brits in 1776 and the Provinces to the North went on bitching about them until 1982.

When I saw that Shia LeBeouf told the media that he had "hooked up" with Megan Fox, I was not surprised. After all, I have hooked up with him, as well

Yes, friends, I, noted comma user, William K. Wolfrum, have hooked up with Shia LeBeouf.

The first time was on the set of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. We both figured we'd never work again, so what the hell?

Michelle Bachmann is...

...so flaky that when she showers with Head and Shoulders, she disappears.

...so flaky that if she eats a Hershey's Kiss she becomes pan au chocolat.

...so flaky that she snowed in her own cross country bus tour.

...so flaky that when she goes to KFC, biscuits order her.

...so flaky that she could sell herself in Japan as panko under the brand name Pannko.

…is so flaky that she thought the first primary debate would be held on the Food Network.

…is so flaky that the Gorton’s Fisherman chases her around.

Rachel Maddow, dear-heart, I'm begging you--never, ever do beat poetry at the bongo drum AGAIN!  Gawd!  That was painful! I'm telling you, it was excruciating!  I love you truly but that was just gawdawful.  Really.

I've always dreamed of someday meeting the Dalai Lama (hasn't everybody?); sitting down with him, picking his brain, asking him the questions of the day:  What do you think about war and famine and global warming?  If I knew I was actually going to have the chance, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be working up a joke to tell him.  But then I'm not Australian anchor Karl Stefanovic, who had been saving his best joke (I'm guessing) for his best interview ever only to find it painfully lost, in translation and ever

Herman Cain discusses Islam

Political experts across the nation burbled approvingly after Monday's Republican presidential debate in New Hampshire. The candidates surpassed expectations by maintaining human form and refraining from howling, salivating excessively, or biting moderator John King on the leg.

We were all a-twitter last week by the big news that a close-up photo of a suggestive section of a pair of gray jockey shorts was sent to a young follower from Rep.

Speaking as a some-time member of the corporate media, let me just say that Sarah Palin's recent Bus Tour has been driving me nuts. Not only won't Palin tell the Media what the main purpose of the tour is, aside from the hazy patriotic gibberish, but she hardly gives the "Lamestream Media" the time of day!

Now, I understand that Palin quit her job as Governor of Alaska half-way through and that it's highly unlikely she'll ever hold a political office again. But what is the bus tour about!?

Hey, you heard it here first at the site that specializes in the hottest entertainment news! It seems The Penis in the Anthony Weiner Penis Pic Controversy has accepted a spot on a new reality show with Donald Trump!

LIBYA – Speaking from an underground bunker somewhere near Tripoli, Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi announced his run for U.S. President.

“I mean, there’s a lot going on right now,” said Gadhafi, who is simultaneously being attacked by Libyan rebels and NATO forces. “But the field just seems so, you know, empty.”

Gadhafi’s bid received an endorsement from conservative leader Bill Kristol, who said he was “dazzled” by the dictator’s humor and conservative ideals on a recent Conservative cruise for politicians and donors.

 After months of building up to this, on Wednesday Oprah Winfrey said goodbye to her still-huge audience and ended her daytime show.

MINNESOTA – A wayward elf that froze to death in the snow last December has challenged the entire GOP Presidential Field to a debate on the U.S. Constitution, sources close to the Dead Elf say.

“He’s pretty confident. Or IT is pretty confident,” said the source. "I’m really not sure how to refer to an Elf corpse.”

The challenge comes after literally two consecutive years of Republican Presidential hopefuls butchering the Constitution in order to make it appear it agrees with their often-outlandish views. The most recent come from Pizza Guru Herman Cain, who confused the Declaration of Independence with the Constitution, while admonishing his fan base for not actually reading the Constitution.

The Rapture is coming tomorrow. Tomorrow at 6 PM three percent of the citizens of the world will be swept up and deposited in what they hope will be God's loving arms. The rest of us can look forward to five months of tribulations, until October 21, when a worldwide catastrophe will take place and we'll all be gone.

SALT LAKE CITY – The Rapture came and went three weeks ago, say researchers at Brigham Young University. The entire episode took five hours and 45 minutes, and few if any took notice.

“Yeah, Christ was here, he looked around, played a round of golf at Pebble Beach and split,” said one researcher. “It’s a little disappointing really. We expected serious fireworks.”

ROME (April 28, 1) — Emperor Tiberius Caesar Augustus has announced there will be no investigations into the purported torture and crucifixion of convicted heretic and enemy of the state Jesus Christ. In a statement from the Emperor’s office, Tiberius stated that Christ’s crucifixion did not meet the empire’s definition of torture, and that it was time for Roman’s to begin focusing on the future.

HEAVEN – Following a staggering donation to the Heaven Fund, the Koch Brothers will now have final say on who gets Raptured. sources tell this reporter.

David and Charles Koch – who combined are worth $43.5 billion – recently made headlines when it was learned that they had essentially taken control of the economics departments of such public colleges as Florida State University. In the FSU case, the Koch Brothers donated $1.5 million to the economics department, but with the caveat that the money could be taken away should the brothers disagree with any new hires.