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    Michael Wolraich's picture

    Jews for Christmas

    I'm not a Christian, but like many Jews, I've envied Christmas since childhood. I like the twinkly lights, pink-cheeked carolers, heartwarming television specials, and exuberantly ho-ho-ho-ing Santa Clauses ... pretty much everything except the endless renditions of "Jingle Bells" warbling from every audio speaker in the country.

    Most of all, I love the spirit of good will associated with Christmas -- smiles from strangers, charitable giving and other acts of kindness. We Jews have a holiday called Purim for spreading joy and charity, but Purim also involves raucously cheering the murder of 75,000 Persians, which is somewhat low on the good will meter.

    In recent years, however, I've been dismayed that the Christmas spirit I admire has come under attack. Angry people have been exploiting the holiday as an opportunity to vilify their opponents. Vilifying opponents is also low on the good will meter, albeit not as low as murdering Persians.

    Read the full story at CNN.com

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Santa Claus: "Giving away toys kills the work ethic of the poor"

    NORTH POLE - Looking trim following lap-band surgery, Santa Claus held a press conference today to announce a fundamental change in his long-time tradition of giving toys to good children.

    Intent on cutting costs as well as teaching ideological lessons, Claus, 43, said that the time was now for Americans to stop looking for handouts.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Bend Over to Pick Up the Soap

    "If 'don't ask, don't tell' is repealed and you are assigned to bathroom facilities (that have)] an open bay shower that someone you believe to be a gay or lesbian service member also used, which are you most likely to do?"

    -- Question on 2010 Department of Defense Comprehensive Review Survey of Uniformed Active Duty and Reserve Service Members

    It seems that ensuring shower security for American soldiers and Marines is critical to maintaining our global military pre-eminence. If our brave men and women cannot comfortably bathe in environments free from the risk of homosexual lust, how can we expect them to battle armed Taliban insurgents and other enemies?

    In order to assess the gay shower hazard and other threats to military readiness if the "don't ask, don't tell" policy were repealed, the Department of Defense surveyed American troops over the summer.

    Adm. Mike Mullen, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, found the results reassuring. He told the Senate Armed Services Committee, "Repeal of the law will not prove an unacceptable risk to military readiness. ... I believe our troops and their families are ready for this," although he acknowledged, "some soldiers and Marines may want separate shower facilities."

    Read the full story at CNN.com

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Julian Assange must die! For starters

    Much has been said about Julian Assange and Wikileaks. The Australian-born hacker has put America in grave danger due to his publication of classified information that someone else stole.

    And he must die.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Breaking: Fecal Matter rapidly nearing Fan, no one noticing

    WORLD - Fecal matter is within 13 centimeters of the fan, say noted Swedish researchers in a study to be published in the journal "Hey, We Might Just Be Boned Here Annual." Leading Researcher Tim Jöhnson said the proximity of the fecal matter to the fan should be cause for alarm, but apparently isn't.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Apocalypse strikes – Conservatives declare victory

    Nov. 23, 2015 — Stating that he’d “Grown bored with the bullshit,” God Almighty announced he was unleashing the Apocalypse some 900 years early.

    “Time goes crazy fast for me and all, but this is unbearable,” said Almighty, 43, adding cryptically, “I have other civilizations to deal with.”

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    God Relents: Condoms Cool for Sick Gay Prostitutes

    God announced through his spokesman Pope Benedict XVI that male prostitutes with HIV would be permitted to use condoms in order to prevent the spread of the disease. The ruling applied retroactively, so past condom use under appropriate conditions would be pardoned. In principle, the pardon could elevate unrepentant condom users from Purgatory or even Hell, but divine experts expect the ruling to have little practical significance for condemned souls.

    Doctor Cleveland's picture

    International Jewish Conspiracy REVEALED!

    Mike AKA Genghis's recent post on CNN.com has brought us a bunch of new anonymous commenters, who are very angry on Mr. Beck's behalf, and are generously warning us of the dangers of conspiratorial Jews such as Mr. Soros. We thank them for sharing their views. One new internet buddy speculates that Mike must be part of the Jewish conspiracy himself:

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Barack Obama preemptively shuts down Government to appease Republicans

    WASHINGTON – Continuing his pattern of negotiating before being at the negotiating table, President Barack Obama shut down the Federal Government today.

    “We must work together,” said Obama, on the 16th hole of Pebble Beach. “By shutting down the government right now, we’re showing Republicans that we are open to their suggestions.”

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