William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Blogger to rewrite Holy Bible because it serves him poorly: "It's a masturbatory issue"

    OMAHA - Noted blogger William K. Wolfrum has announced today his plans to rewrite the Holy Bible so it better conforms to his standards.

    “From what I’ve been told, the Bible’s a hell of a book and has a lot of good lessons,” said Wolfrum, who has admitted to skimming through Revelations to see how it all ends. “But there’s just a lot of stuff in there that doesn’t work for me.”

    Wolfrum said he is only interested in changing one major element in the Bible.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Alan Grayson must apologize now! Democrats must always stay above the fray

    Every morning I wake up, look at myself in the mirror and ask myself this question: Am I a good guy? Now, it’s a purely hypothetical question, as there is no doubt that I’m a good guy who has high standards of politeness and decorum.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Naked Short Spellers are destroying the quality, profitability of my blog

    William K. Wolfrum made this statement to supporters at 3 p.m.

    “My friends, as many of you may have noticed, there has been a huge drop off in the quality of my blog posts over the past few months. Due to this, there has also been a drop in profitability for this blog, as well.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 19: No rear entry

    Two angels disguised as men came to the town of Sodom one evening. Abraham's nephew Lot met them at the city gate and invited them to stay with him. That night, all the men of Sodom, young and old alike, gathered at Lot's door and demanded that he release the strangers to them so that they could butt-rape* them.

    Commentary: Sodom was not a popular tourist destination.

    Lot, being a good host, refused this request and offered the mob his two virgin daughters instead.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Conservatives risk being jailed, tortured

    There is a remote, although gaining, possibility America’s military will intervene as a last resort to resolve the “Conservative Problem.” Don’t dismiss it as unrealistic.

    America isn’t the Third World. If a military coup does occur here it will be civilized. That it has never happened doesn’t mean it wont. Describing what may be afoot is not to advocate it. So, view the following through military eyes:

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Sarah Palin & Jack Donaghy in 2012 - The perfect pretend Conservatives for a pretend GOP

    For political groupies, these days a big story involves looking to the 2010 midterm elections. Already, many have predicted that Republicans will gain seats in the U.S. Senate. While this may or may not end up happening, the storyline has led to what many could have expected - Republicans are pretending they had anything to do with it.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    New Scientific Study proves you've been right all along

    WASHINGTON - A new study from the prestigious Wolfrum Alpha Research Squad has confirmed what most people already believe - that they are absolutely correct on all issues and would be foolish to listen to opposing viewpoints.

    "After years of intense research, we believe our conclusions are faultless," said lead researcher William "Buzz" Wolfrum. "Just like everyone's opinions."

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 18: More bickering

    Three strangers on their way to Sodom stopped at Abraham’s house, and he offered them food and shelter. One of the strangers promised Abraham that Sarah would give birth in one year’s time. Sarah, who was eavesdropping on the conversation, heard the stranger and laughed, for at 90, she was post-menopausal.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Corporate Person CIGNA named Obama's new Health Care Reform Czar


    WASHINGTON - The Health Insurance Corporate Person CIGNA has accepted the position of "Health Care Reform Czar," White House officials have confirmed. The Corporate Person will take over the job as the Obama Administration gets ready for its final push on health care reform.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Jesus Christ cancels Healing Insurance for the poor after dismal 3rd-quarter projections

    JERUSALEM — Reported Messiah Jesus H. Christ has long been known for his hands-on approach to health care, especially when it came to the neediest amongst us. For many in the surrounding area, Christ’s talented hands were as close to health insurance as they could afford. But no more.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Red Dawn & Patrick Swayze: We shall never forget

    Less than a quarter-century ago, Americans of all persuasions would nervously gaze to the sky wondering if the end of the world was about to rain down on them. Nuclear holocaust always seemed moments away.

    Of course, the Cold War ended and 9/11 happened, meaning Americans now were forced to gaze everywhere to try to catch a terrorist bent on destroying them.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    A 9/12 Miracle: 34 million show up for BBQ at my house

    MY HOUSE - In what many are claiming is a new record for human beings congregating in one place for barbecue, 34 million people showed up Saturday at the home of William K. Wolfrum for a pleasant evening of food and conversation.

    "There were so many people you just couldn't count," said Wolfrum.

    The estimated count of 34 million comes from aTweet Wolfrum made moments before writing this blog post.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Forget Joe Wilson and Mark Sanford, says South Carolina Tourism chief, remember great golf, high crime rates

    SOUTH CAROLINA - Desperately trying to distance itself from the outlandish behavior of its Republican politicians, the State Tourism Board has announced an aggressive new campaign to encourage tourism.

    “It was time to take the focus off the Republicans and on the state,” said Tourism Board Chairman Tim Tapper. “And we’re willing to go to any lengths to do that.”

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “Disagreeing with Obama does not make me racist”

    William K. Wolfrum made this statement to his supporters at 3 p.m.

    “My friends, over the years you have been by my side through many dramatic events. You have had my back during the good times and bad, and I appreciate that, but now I need you more than ever.

    Larry Jankens's picture

    David Blaine, Magic or Tragic

    David Blaine has wowed gullible audiences with his mix of magic and guile for years. Little do people know that when he first started out he would use his powers for evil. Below are 4 videos demonstrating David Blaine’s penchant for malevolence.

    Video 1: Experience the awesome power David Blaine
    Larry Jankens's picture

    4 Surprising Facts About Baby Rearing

    I was over at my buddy James’ place earlier today and while he and the wifey were tending to their newborn baby in the nursery I was reading over the maternal material provided by the hospital to the new parents. Most of the info in the parenting pamphlets was pretty boring (i.e. babies eat food, sleep and poop - not necessarily in that order or at different times), but I did find out some interesting facts about baby raising that I found both alarming and surprising. 

    Larry Jankens's picture

    Tea Cup Piglets and Mini-Elephants

    Pictured below is a Teacup Piglet, just like Teacup Poodles and Matchbox Chihuahuas, these animals are bred to be diminutive in stature to enhance their adorability rating - and look at the pig below, they are goddamn adorable. Chris Murray at Pennywell Farm in Devon, England, has spent the last 9 years breeding pigs to be smaller and smaller, to the point where they can fit easily into a teacup when


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